Season of the Witch
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My Halloween story this year! :-) When Morgaine Le Fey is brought back to life in modern day Gotham City, the city needs a hero to save it from her destruction. And it'll get the hero it deserves, but maybe not the one it needs ;-)
1. Chapter 1

**Season of the Witch**

**Camelot – Centuries Ago**

"Hold them back!" shouted Sir Bedevere at his fellow Knights of the Round Table, as they tried to brace the gates of Camelot against the enemy's forces. "Hold them back! Where is Arthur?"

"He battles Mordred single-handedly on the field of combat!" shouted Sir Gawain. "I do not know who has the upper hand, but if Camelot falls, it will not matter!"

"Camelot will not fall!" shouted Sir Bedevere. "Not while we have strength left! Jason, where is Merlin?" he asked, spotting the lowly squire and Merlin's apprentice hurrying across the grounds. "Surely the wizard in his wisdom can help our forces win the day?"

"I will fetch him for you, Sir Bedevere," said Jason, hurrying from the gates and into the keep of the castle. He climbed the tower to Merlin's laboratory, but found it empty, which suited his purposes well. He seized Merlin's staff from a corner, and then headed over to the great book in which the wizard was constantly inscribing. His eyes perused the thick tome, and then flipped to a page illustrated with what appeared to be a transparent portal. He raised the staff, murmured the words on the page, and a streak of blue light shot out of it, gradually forming into a door-shaped portal, through which stepped a beautiful woman.

"My dark mistress," murmured Jason, falling to his knees in front of her.

"You have done well, my love," purred the woman. "Now is the perfect time to strike, while the castle is under siege, Arthur battles my son, and that fool Merlin is nowhere to be found."

"I do not want my comrades to be hurt, mistress," murmured Jason. "You will spare them?"

"Oh, my love, I wish I could," sighed the woman. "But look around you. Look at the chaos Arthur and his disciples have created by their failure to preserve equality and justice. Look where mercy and indulgence has got them. Arthur spares his adulterous wife, he makes an exception for mercy's sake, and look at the result. When the highest in the land flout law and order, that invites all to do so, and that way lies chaos. We cannot have true peace, true order, true justice without treating all equally and fairly. And that means no exceptions – that means equal punishments for all who fail to uphold it."

Jason nodded slowly. "It is harsh, but fair, mistress."

"I knew you would see it that way, my love," she purred, placing a hand on his cheek. "You and I are the only ones who are strong enough, who are unafraid to do whatever must be done. And we will save Camelot, together."

She kissed him, and he embraced her tightly. "Sweet words drip from your poisoned lips, Morgaine Le Fey," murmured a voice from the shadows. "But you speak nothing but lies. Your selfishness is what brought about Camelot's destruction. Tell him the truth."

"Merlin!" gasped Jason, breaking away to face the hooded wizard, whose piercing eyes fixed on the woman. "Merlin, you don't understand…"

"I understand completely," interrupted Merlin, turning his piercing eyes to Jason, although pity shone in them now. "I do not blame you, boy – she has ensnared both the foolish and the wise over the years."

"Indeed I have, wizard!" laughed Morgaine Le Fey. "But both the foolish and the wise have been unable to stop me. Soon my son will sit upon the throne of Camelot, as Arthur's rightful heir."

"Arthur has no heir," retorted Merlin. "But he has handpicked his successor from among his knights…"

"He has no right to give away my son's kingdom, when it belongs to him by right of blood!" interrupted Morgaine. "Just because his adulterous wife's womb was barren, that does not mean he has no blood heir!"

Jason stared at her. "What…what are you saying?" he stammered.

"Tell him, Morgaine," said Merlin, quietly. "Tell him how you seduced Arthur, your half-brother, who impregnated you with the seed of incest, the seed which produced Mordred. You dare to speak of rights and blood when his incestuous creation was the result of lies, trickery, and sin. The bastard has no claim to the throne…"

"He has more claim than any hand-picked by Arthur!" she shouted. "A man so lacking in judgment that he willingly lay with me, his half-sister, and picked a traitor for his wife! Guinevere lies with another man, and yet if she produced an heir as a result of adultery, Arthur would have accepted him willingly, a child with a cuckold's bloodline! He has no more wisdom than his disgusting beast of a father, who ravished my mother in the guise of her husband! Arthur's judgment is what led to this, not any machinations of mine! But you cast me as the villain because I do not lie quietly down and accept my fate to be used and cast aside, like you think women should! I fight back, and hold men responsible for their evils, and for that I am blamed! I am but the mirror of your own damned actions, wizard, and your loyalty to your pathetic excuse for a king is misplaced. He is weak, weak as all men are!"

"Yes, all men are weak," murmured Merlin. "And all women too. That is why true wisdom, and true strength, are to be found in forgiveness."

"Forgiveness?" repeated Morgaine, with a cruel laugh. "You are weak too, to speak of such things, old man. And you are too late! Camelot has fallen!"

"But it will rise again," murmured Merlin. "But you, my dear, will not."

His hand shot out, and his staff flew out of Jason's hand and into his. A beam of light shot from it, wrapping around Morgaine's body like a lasso and dragging her forward.

"No!" she hissed, struggling against it. "No! I will not be defeated so close to my victory!"

She managed to get a hand free of the magic rope, shooting a bolt of fire out of it toward Merlin. The bolt grazed him, and he hissed in pain, but kept dragging her forward toward the ancient book, murmuring words in an archaic and powerful tongue.

"No!" shrieked Morgaine, as the rope tightened around her. "Jason, my love, save me!"

"She doesn't love you," murmured Merlin, as Jason started forward. "She doesn't love anyone, not even her son. Her heart has no more room for love – it has been hardened irrecoverably by suffering and pain. I am sorry for her, but she must be stopped before she destroys the world, and makes it as cold and brutal as herself. She feels nothing but rage and hatred anymore – please don't follow her into that abyss," he said, turning his compassionate eyes to Jason.

Jason stopped, gazing at Morgaine, whose pleading eyes suddenly turned hard and cruel. "Traitor!" she hissed. "I'll destroy you – I'll destroy you all! I swear it! I will return!"

Merlin shot his staff forward again, and with a shriek, Morgaine was dragged into the pages of the book, which enveloped her and slammed shut.

Merlin dropped his staff, sinking to his knees. "Merlin…" gasped Jason, racing forward to help him.

"It is over, Jason," murmured Merlin. "Imprisoning her took the last of my strength."

"Merlin, I'm so sorry…" stammered Jason.

"I forgive you, my boy," murmured Merlin, putting a hand on his shoulder. "But you must go…help Arthur. He must not fall…or Camelot will fall with him. Take the staff," he whispered, handing it to him. "Defeat Mordred…and you will have atoned for your sins…"

Merlin's hand dropped as his eyes shut forever. Jason stared at him, tears in his eyes, but then fury overcame his sorrow, and he raced out of the tower toward the gates.

"Jason, what…" began Sir Bedevere, but Jason held out the staff with a roar, and a blast of lightning shot from it, shattering the gates and the army behind it. Jason raced onto the battlefield, striking out with the staff, until he came upon the battle between Mordred and Arthur.

Arthur was failing – he bled heavily, and his blows blocking Mordred were becoming weaker and weaker. With another roar, Jason stabbed the staff into the ground, shooting a lightning bolt at Mordred which knocked him back. He whirled around, glaring at Jason.

"You!" he hissed. "You were meant to be helping my mother!"

"She's gone, Mordred," said Jason. "And now it's your turn."

He raised the staff again, but Mordred blocked the bolt with his sword this time. He smiled coldly. "You think my mother has not taught me magic?" he murmured. "She was right – the overconfidence of men is astounding."

Mordred sliced his sword across his wrist, and then dripped a few drops of blood onto the dirt beneath him, chanting in an ancient language. Jason felt the ground beneath him shaking, like an earthquake, and he dropped the staff trying to grab ahold of anything to steady himself.

"Traitors belong in the deepest circle of hell," murmured Mordred, grinning horribly. "For the demons to torment for eternity."

Jason felt something beneath him grab at his ankles, and then felt himself being pulled down into the dirt. He scrambled desperately to grab onto anything, but the grip on his legs was firm, and seemed to be moving up his body, around his waist, over his chest, and toward his head…

He gasped as he was suddenly released, and looked up to see Mordred with a blade through his chest. Mordred's body fell to the ground, and Arthur withdrew the blade, instantly falling to the ground next to him.

"Arthur," gasped Jason, crawling over to him. "Arthur, I'm so sorry. Forgive me…I was deceived…"

"We were all deceived, Jason," murmured Arthur, managing a smile as he held out his hand.

Jason took his hand in both of his, gripping it tightly. He gazed upon Arthur's wounds, and knew they were fatal. He removed one hand to wipe the tears from his eyes, but instead he coated them in the blood that stained him.

"Jason…of the Blood," murmured Arthur. "Didn't you always want a courtly name?"

"I don't deserve a courtly name," he murmured. "I failed you all…"

"No, you saved me, Jason," he murmured. "Failure is nothing - just a road we have to go down many times before we reach success. I failed Camelot and yet…I think what she stood for will live on. I think the dream of equality and order and justice will endure. I think even thousands of years from now, people will remember that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment…"

He trailed off as the light left his eyes. Jason let out a sob, burying his face in his hands and rocking back and forth.

"Jason?" murmured a voice, and he turned to see Sir Bedevere.

"It's over," Jason whispered. "It's all over."

Sir Bedevere lay a hand on his shoulder but said nothing. Jason rose slowly to his feet at last, picking up Merlin's staff. "We have lost our king and our wizard," he murmured. "We have no wisdom of any kind except for that of man."

"We must hope that will be enough," murmured Sir Bedevere.

Jason didn't respond, trudging back to the castle. He headed back up the stairs to Merlin's tower, and placed the wizard's staff back in its corner. Then he went over to the book. He put his hands on its binding, and sensed the evil and hatred emanating from within. With a grunt, he lifted the book, and then dragged it over to the wizard's fireplace. He tossed it into the burning flames, but they did not even singe it, and in a moment, were extinguished.

"You have malignant magic even now," murmured Jason. "So be it. But you will never be released, Morgaine Le Fey. I will guard you in your prison as long as I can, and when the time of my eternal rest comes, I will see to it that you are never found again."

_But you are weak, mortal_ growled a voice from somewhere inside him. _And I am strong._

"Who…who are you?" stammered Jason, clapping a hand to his head.

_I am the demon Etrigan_ growled the voice. _Mordred's blood magic summoned me, and now I live within you, traitor. For all eternity. You will never die – you will live forever with me inside you, reminding you of your betrayal and delighting in your torment._

"That's…that's impossible!" stammered Jason.

_Nothing is impossible if the will is strong enough _growled the voice. _And my will is stronger than yours. But not stronger than hers _it hissed, as Jason picked up the book. _She will return, no matter how you try to guard her. She has centuries of time to plan her revenge. And it will be terrible, and unstoppable, even by you, Jason of the Blood. You are no hero._

"I am not," murmured Jason, looking out the window. "But they are out there. And they will fight, whatever evil comes to pass."


	2. Chapter 2

**Gotham City – Centuries Later**

"Kerching!" shouted J.J., pumping his fist in the air. "Great news, Leenie!" he exclaimed, turning from his computer screen to his twin sister. "I just made my first million!"

"I know I'll never forget where I was," said Arleen, sarcastically, not looking up from her book.

"Fine, Miss Sarcasm, then I'm not sharing any of it with you," retorted J.J.

"Fine, so can you stop distracting me from my homework now?" she asked. "And aren't you meant to be doing yours?"

"I don't need to do homework – I'm a millionaire," retorted J.J., leaning back in his chair. "I feel I should be smoking a cigar and wearing a monocle, like Uncle Penguin."

"Who is ironically not a millionaire, and on the verge of bankruptcy, so I hear," said Arleen. "But if we've learned anything from everyone we've ever met, it's not the truth that matters, it's the style in which you lie."

"Yep," agreed J.J. "And everyone in our family certainly has style."

"Knock, knock!" said Joker, knocking on the door and popping his head in. "You kiddos better get your costumes on – it's getting dark and that means trick-or-treating time!"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "No offense, Dad, but I got a lotta homework to do tonight," said Arleen, slowly.

"Plus don't you think we're a little old for trick-or-treating?" asked J.J. "Y'know, being sixteen and all."

"You're never too old for costumes or free candy, that's my motto!" chuckled Joker.

"I just think we'd like to stay home this year, if it's ok with you," continued Arleen. "You can still wear a costume and give out candy to the kids who come to the door, and won't that be just as fun?"

"No, getting is always better than giving, haven't I taught you kids anything?" demanded Joker.

"I'm just really busy with school work, Dad, and I won't enjoy it if I'm stressed," said Arleen.

"Yeah, it would be better if Halloween was an actual holiday, because right now it's just another school night," agreed J.J. "But how about I buy you all the discount candy at the supermarket tomorrow instead? Because I can afford to now. That'll make up for us not trick-or-treating tonight, won't it?"

"Oh yeah…sure," said Joker, slowly. "I mean, I don't wanna pressure you kids to do anything you don't wanna do, and if you're busy and all…y'know what, just forget about it. You're right, it's just another school night, and hey, I wear costumes constantly so I can't complain!" he chuckled. "Good luck with your homework, kiddies!"

He shut the door to the room and headed back into the living room, where Harley Quinn sat on the sofa, eating from a bowl of candy and watching a low-budget horror movie on the TV. "Kiddies didn't wanna go out?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Nah, they got homework, and they think they're a little old for it," sighed Joker, sitting down next to her. "I don't know what I did wrong as a father, Harl, to have them turn into productive members of society who can't take a break to fleece free candy from strangers."

"Puddin', you know it's nothing personal," said Harley, soothingly. "It's just all part of growing up. You don't wanna hang around your parents as much, and you don't wanna do things that you think are babyish. Most teenagers think trick-or-treating is for little kids."

"I didn't raise 'em to be most teenagers," muttered Joker, grabbing a handful of candy from the bowl. "And threatening people to hand over all their candy at gunpoint is not for little kids."

"You know fitting in is important at that age, but I'm sure they'll grow out of it," continued Harley. "Give 'em a few years, and I'm sure they'll be back out there with you stealing all the candy from people's houses and threatening 'em with violence."

"Well, let's hope," agreed Joker with a sigh.

"The girl in this movie is giving blondes a bad name," said Harley, nodding at the screen. "She's got the psycho clown killer after her, and she's hiding in the funhouse in the abandoned amusement park. And where do you think a clown killer is going to look first? It's like a moth to a flame. I tell ya, this is why I don't watch horror movies – if you're that dumb, you deserve to die. I have zero sympathy."

"Yeah," agreed Joker. "And why does the clown killer have a chainsaw? That's not even a clown-themed murder weapon."

"Horror movies don't have to make sense," replied Harley, shrugging. "And obviously whoever wrote this one didn't put as much thought into it as they should, because there's no character consistency. You know my view on that – if I go for a clown theme, I embrace it fully," she said, cuddling up next to Joker.

He put his arm around her and helped himself to some more candy as they watched the film. "That's not what happens if you slice someone's legs off with a chainsaw, just FYI," he commented over the screaming.

"Like I said, you can't expect realism from these things," said Harley. "That is a bad clown though. Doing some real bad things to that poor, innocent little blonde…"

"This is turning you on, isn't it?" interrupted Joker.

"Kinda," she agreed. "I mean, it's fake violence, but still…"

Her hand slid down toward his pants. "You feel like giving me a Halloween treat, puddin'?" she purred, grinning at him. "Maybe a nice, big, yummy lollipop for me to suck?"

"Mmm, I dunno," he murmured, grinning. "Lemme watch a little more of this gorefest and see what happens."

The woman in the movie screamed agonizingly as the screen was blotted out with blood. "Oh yeah, baby, that's the stuff!" gasped Joker, seizing Harley and slamming her down on the sofa. Things were beginning to heat up when the doorbell rang.

"Ain't it always the way?" sighed Joker, climbing off her. "You get in the mood and company shows up. Although I guess it's not surprising on Halloween – we shoulda left the lights off," he sighed, heading to the door with the candy bowl.

He opened the door with a smile, which fell when he saw who the visitor was. "You're not a treat, just a deeply unfunny trick on humanity," he snapped.

"Happy Halloween to you too, J," said Poison Ivy, striding into the room.

"Red, great to see you!" said Harley, bouncing over to hug her friend. "Have some candy…"

"She doesn't deserve candy – she's not even in a different costume," interrupted Joker, snatching the candy bowl back from Harley. "And we can't give this out to just anyone, especially people who don't even make an effort on Halloween. Besides, the way you've been stuffing your face with it, you've probably put on about ten pounds, and God knows the Weed doesn't need to add to her waistline."

"Hi, Harley," said Ivy, hugging her and then kneeing Joker in the groin and grabbing the bowl from him. "Is J.J. around?" she asked, combing through the candy for something without sugar, which was naturally plant based. "He called to see if I could come over and help him with his homework."

"Yeah, I think he's in his room with Leenie," said Harley. "Gee, it's nice of you to drop everything for him - you don't have plans on Halloween?"

"Nah," said Ivy, shrugging. "I know people think I should probably take over doing the Halloween scheme for Bats since Crane's outta town this year, and since I did that pumpkin scheme that one year, but I'm really not in the mood to see the caped freak tonight. Plus all the little versions of him I'll be seeing running around town trick-or-treating – it's just depressing to see children brainwashed like that."

"Maybe you could plan a scheme for Batsy instead, puddin'," suggested Harley. "That'll cheer you up."

"I could," agreed Joker. "But killer clowns on Halloween is a little cliché, doncha think? Particularly with those Pennywise movies recently – it's just been done to death. By the way, Pennywise isn't even a real clown, but is, in fact, an inter-dimensional being, just so you know."

"Are you competing with violent clown killers in some sorta weird reputation battle?" asked Ivy.

"Of course not!" chuckled Joker. "Because there is no competition! I'd win, naturally."

"Uh huh," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I'll go find J.J." she said, handing the candy bowl back to Harley and heading off.

"Well, we could try to get the mood back," suggested Joker. "It'll have the added bonus of horrifying the Weed Lady if she comes back out here."

"We're just gonna keep being interrupted by trick-or-treaters – let's wait until later and build up an appetite," said Harley, grinning at him. "Better turn this movie off though," she added. "We should put on something completely non-erotic, like a romantic comedy."

"Good call," agreed Joker. "All those pretty people with their tedious, mundane lives whining about their feelings…ugh. It's enough to turn anyone off sex forever."

"Why are you guys watching a rom com on Halloween?" asked Arleen, entering the room a few minutes later.

"Hey, sweetie, I thought you were busy with your homework," said Harley, turning to her.

"I've actually finished mine – it took less time than I thought," said Arleen, shrugging. "J.J. always procrastinates until the last minute with his, and that's why he always needs help from Aunt Ivy. But I thought we could watch a fun horror movie together with some candy. I mean, I might be too old for trick-or-treating, but that doesn't mean I'm too old for Halloween, right?"

Joker beamed at her as she joined him and Harley cuddling on the sofa. "That's right, princess," he said, kissing the top of her head. "Well, what movie do you want?"

"I dunno – something with a lotta gore," said Arleen.

"Dame after my own heart!" chuckled Joker. "Let's see what we can find…"

He was interrupted in his channel surfing by a knock on the door. "That'll be trick-or-treaters – you wanna do the honors, princess?" he asked, handing her the bowl of candy.

Arleen took the bowl and headed over to open the door. "Uncle Jervis, cousin Alice, and…friend!" she exclaimed, recognizing two of the three figures standing outside. "How nice to see you."

"Hello, Arleen, and aren't you looking all spooky for the season!" exclaimed Jervis Tetch, embracing her.

"Uh…no…this is just how I dress all year round," said Arleen, slowly. "Sort of a goth style."

"You look nothing like the early Germanic invaders of the Roman empire who ultimately led to its collapse," spoke up the strange child accompanying Tetch and Alice. "I know – I was there."

"I'm sorry, who are you?" asked Arleen.

"This is Klarion," said Tetch. "He's a...friend of Alice's. I believe you've met him before when you were children, but you might not remember because of the spell...of time that's passed," he invented quickly.

"He must have been a baby, right?" asked Arleen. "Since I was a kid, and he still looks to be a kid."

"Yes, he…certainly looks to be a kid," agreed Tetch. "But appearances can be deceiving, as you well know. Anyway, does your family have plans for Halloween tonight?"

"Nothing major - we were gonna watch a horror movie," said Arleen, shrugging. "You're welcome to join us if you want…"

"No, I'm not really a fan of the genre, much to Jonathan's disappointment," said Tetch.

"I personally find such filth rather revolting," commented Alice. "While accepting that others tastes differ from mine."

"We actually came to see if you and your family could do a favor for us tonight," continued Tetch. "Well, actually, for Klarion. It's sort of an…illegal favor, and I've been out of that game a long time, as you know."

"Yeah, sounds like fun, c'mon in," said Arleen, holding open the door. "I know Dad's been itching for some action – the Bat's been training up a new Robin and Dad's trying to stay away so he doesn't accidentally kill him too early. Apparently the kid's pretty hopeless."

"I really don't know how Batman lives with himself after dragging children into the dangerous games he plays," sighed Tetch. "I can only think he's constantly out on patrol because he can't sleep at night. Happy Halloween, all!" he exclaimed, as he entered the living room.

"Jervis, I kinda thought you and Alice had gone with Johnny and his family on their Halloween trip," said Harley, surprised. "It seemed like kinda your thing."

"I was just saying to Arleen that I really don't share Jonathan's morbid temperament," said Tetch. "And seeing the sights of the famous Salem witch trials would only make me feel ill at such a flagrant miscarriage of justice, rather than awaken any kind of historical curiosity. But it's a good thing I remained in Gotham, since Klarion came to see me with a rather urgent request."

"Yes, this has to be done tonight," said Klarion. "It is when her power is strongest, and when his is weakest. I have consulted all the signs, stars, and portents, and all of them have told me that tonight is the night."

"Well, happy Halloween to you, Harry Potter!" chuckled Joker. "Can you tell me what my star sign is? I know Tetchy's is Virgo, for obvious reasons!"

"This is no joke, clown," retorted Klarion. "I need you to steal something for me, something for which you will be handsomely rewarded."

"Not really big on financial rewards – how much fun will this heist be?" asked Joker.

"You are welcome to make it as fun as you like, as long as you succeed," retorted Klarion. "The item I need stolen is a book."

"That doesn't sound very fun," retorted Joker. "Sounds kinda nerdy, in fact."

"This book has lately been in the possession of a certain Jason Blood," continued Klarion, ignoring him. "He's my uncle. The book, however, is rightfully mine, and has great sentimental value to me. But it is now in possession of Gotham socialite Bruce Wayne, and safely locked up in the vaults of Wayne Enterprises, under lock and key and constant surveillance. You know how paranoid Mr. Wayne is about security in general - his system would certainly be a challenge for any thief to crack. I know the top burglar in this town is Catwoman, and I previously consulted her, but she refused, saying that it was impossible to steal from Bruce Wayne. So now I'm here talking to the one family I believe could succeed in doing that."

"Selina always was a quitter," agreed Harley, nodding. "And she ain't half the criminal puddin' is, thief or no thief."

"Now hang on a second, pooh," said Joker. "I'll admit I'm the best, but if we do this, we should make it a family affair. Leenie, would you be comfortable stealing from Bruce Wayne? I know his son's a friend of yours."

"Yeah, but Damian's cool," said Arleen, shrugging. "Anyway, this book doesn't belong to Bruce Wayne – it belongs to your uncle, right? Did Bruce Wayne steal it from him?"

"Let's just say I'd like to liberate it from his possession," replied Klarion. "Mr. Wayne is currently hosting a charity Halloween gala at his mansion, so he should be suitably distracted. You'd just have to deal with whatever security he's implemented at his place of business."

"I think it sounds like a lotta fun, Dad," said Arleen. "And a Halloween heist sounds like a great way to celebrate tonight."

"Well, I'm certainly game," said Joker. "Pumpkin pie?"

"Sounds great," said Harley, nodding. "I'll go pack snacks."

"Go ask your brother if he wants to come along, would you, Leenie?" asked Joker.

Arleen nodded, heading back to her brother's room. She heard Ivy say, "I told you, I'll do that on your eighteenth birthday and not before!" just as she knocked on the door.

"What?" demanded J.J., popping his head out.

"Mom and Dad want to know if you wanna come on a family heist with us," said Arleen. "A friend of cousin Alice's wants us to steal a book from Wayne Enterprises."

"I'm…kinda busy here," said J.J., glancing inside his room. "Focusing on…my studies…can it maybe wait ten minutes?"

"Ten minutes?" demanded Ivy. "Oh honey, you're gonna need longer than that."

"Twenty minutes?" suggested J.J.

"Sure," said Arleen, shrugging. "Just join us when you're ready, and we'll all head over together. Don't forget to bring your stuff."

"This isn't my first heist, sis," retorted J.J. "Auntie, wanna come on a Halloween heist with us?"

"Nope, I'm going home for a long soak in the tub after this," replied Ivy.

"I could come with you," said J.J., hopefully.

"No, go spend time with your family!" snapped Ivy. "Teenagers, I swear, they're just never satisfied."

"Well, you know me, Auntie," said J.J., grinning. "Always hungry for more…knowledge," he finished, glancing at his sister. "I'm hungry for knowledge. See you in twenty," he said, shutting the door.

"J.J.'s in," said Arleen, returning to the living room. "He said he'll be ready in twenty minutes."

"Then what are we waiting for?" asked Joker. "Let the Joker Family Halloween Heist commence! To the Mayhem Machine!"


	3. Chapter 3

The Mayhem Machine was modeled on the Mystery Machine from _Scooby Doo_ – a large purple van decorated with smiling clown faces on it. The van was currently parked a few blocks away from Wayne Enterprises, while the Joker family gathered in the back, preparing for the operation, which Joker had affectionately titled Operation Nerd Heist.

"Yes sir, the family that slays together stays together," he commented, plugging in some wires as his family moved around the limited space in the van.

"Move it or lose it, sis," said J.J., as he wheeled a tray of computer equipment over to the monitors, knocking his sister out of the way as she polished her knife collection.

"My knives can do a lot more damage to your machines than vice versa, so I'd watch where you put them," she retorted.

"You wouldn't hurt 'em – they're gonna save your life once you get inside," said J.J., patting the monitors. "While I'll be directing you from the safety of the van. But really this whole thing rests on my orchestrations."

"And my competence at doing what you tell me," retorted Arleen. "With a little improvisation of my own, of course, or where's the fun?"

"That's my girl!" exclaimed Joker, kissing her cheek. "You want me to join you on the field work, sweetness?"

"Always, Daddy," said Arleen, hugging him.

"That means you're Team J.J., Harl," said Joker, as he tossed a headset at her while putting on another one.

"Otherwise known as Team Awesome, Mom," said J.J., turning to smile at her.

"In your dreams," retorted Arleen, buckling on her weapons.

"Testing one, two, you hear me, Gotham Goth?" asked J.J., speaking into a microphone as Arleen adjusted her own headset.

"I hear you, J Square," she retorted.

"For the last time, that's not my code name!" snapped J.J. "It's J Squar_ed_, you know, like double Js!"

"Name's not clever if you have to explain it, J.J.," retorted Joker, taking his pick of weapons from the stash in the van. "It's like a joke."

"I hear you, Daddy-o," said J.J., adjusting the volume on his machine. "Both literally and figuratively. Mom, you got a preferred code name?"

"Puddin'lover," said Harley.

"That's kinda long for a code name," said J.J.

"And stupid," agreed Joker.

"And accurate," retorted Harley. "I'm Puddin'lover, and I don't wanna hear another word about it."

"Whatever," sighed Joker, rolling his eyes. "Everyone ready to get this party started?"

"Ready to go, Daddy-o," said J.J., giving him a thumbs up.

"Locked and loaded," agreed Arleen, sheathing the knives on her belt.

"You sure you got enough snacks before you head out?" asked Harley. "Don't forget water 'cause that's important…"

"We're fine, Harley," snapped Joker. "Let's just get out there!"

"I'm not sending my baby off without proper hydration!" snapped Harley. "So just hold your horses!"

"I'm fine, Mom," said Arleen.

"Are you sure? Physical exertion dehydrates you really fast…" began Harley.

"Yeah, but if I have too much, I gotta go to the bathroom," said Arleen. "And I don't think that'll be convenient when I'm trying to break into Wayne Enterprises."

"Yeah, how do you think the Bat handles that when he's out all night?" asked Joker. "You think he has holes in his suit? You think he just goes in his suit? Or do you think there are designated Bat-bathroom stops on his nightly patrols?"

"These are the deep, important questions that keep me awake at night," agreed J.J., who was hacking into Wayne Enterprises security system. He adjusted his headset to hear the chatter from within the building as his screen revealed what the security cameras inside saw.

"Looks fairly deserted – some security guards who should be no problem," he commented. "They just got pistols, nothing heavy duty. Which means Mr. Wayne has technological security he trusts more than people. So he's not a total idiot. You'll need to access his personal elevator to get into the vault," he said, pointing at the map on screen. "That's off the main foyer of the building. You'll need to enter a code to stop the alarm from going off once you press the elevator button to access the vault – it's 27051939," he added, as a number popped up on screen.

"God, I love technology," sighed Joker. "It's ubiquitous enough that people have to buy into it, and yet still imperfect enough that a plucky teenager with some basic computer skills can completely override it in a matter of seconds. Thank you, the internet. What tool could possibly be better for complete societal chaos? Remind me to shake Al Gore's hand for inventing it, and then kill him to help reduce his carbon footprint, since I know he's worried about that climate change."

"Remember, I can see what you see via your headset, and what you can't see from my computer," reminded J.J. "So stay in communication."

"And hydrated," reminded Harley, shoving a bottle of water in both of their pockets.

"Don't worry, Mom," said Arleen, hugging and kissing her. "We got this."

"I trust you, baby," she said, hugging her tightly. "But stay close to your Daddy. He takes good care of his family," she added, kissing Joker.

"See you later, J Square," said Arleen, heading out of the van.

"Knock 'em dead, Sis!" said J.J., waving after her. "And you too, Daddy-o!"

"It's what I do best," said Joker, following Arleen out of the van.

"Love you! Take care of each other!" called Harley after them. She shut the door to the van and then headed over to join J.J. at his monitors, watching as Arleen and Joker strode toward the building.

"I forgot to ask, Daddy-o, are you going for stealth or a show?" asked J.J.

"You know me, sonny boy – what do I always go for?" chuckled Joker. "Gotta make a grand Joker entrance, right, kiddo?"

"Yep, sneaking around is no fun," agreed Arleen. "And it's not like the security guards will be alive long enough to tell anyone about us."

"That's my golden rule, sweetness," said Joker. "Always leave the audience wanting more!" he chuckled.

"You want a little musical accompaniment?" asked J.J. "Something Halloween-themed, maybe?"

"I think that would be appropriate," agreed Arleen.

"_Thriller_?" suggested J.J. "Dad can do the rap at the end."

"Nah, this Joker won't be playing music associated with alleged pedophiles, unlike that other one," retorted Joker.

"What?" asked Arleen.

"What?" repeated Joker, as if he hadn't said anything.

"Oh, I got it!" said J.J., scrolling through a playlist. "This one's got a good beat, and you can kill to it!"

He started playing _The Purple People Eater_, and the entire family began singing along with the revised lyrics of "He was the Clown Prince of Crime, the smiling purple people beater," in reference to their patriarch as Joker threw a playing card that blew the doors of Wayne Enterprises open, while simultaneously unleashing a cloud of Joker toxin. Harley was doing the voice of the Purple People Eater in her usual high-pitched tone as J.J. instantly disrupted the alarm the moment it began, while tapping out the song's tune with his hands. They all continued singing as Joker mowed down the guards with his Tommy gun, swaying to the beat. Arleen skipped over to the elevator, and pressed the button to the vault, entering the code.

"Checking for tripwires," she said, as the elevator opened to reveal a long, dark hallway. Arleen sprayed Joker toxin onto the floor, which showed the red lines which would trigger alarms. "I got this, Daddy," she said, as Joker started forward.

She flipped in between the grid of red lines, and tossed a knife through the alarm system on the far side, deactivating it.

"That's some good work, princess," said Joker, following her.

"Heads up – you guys got company," said J.J. "Electronic company – I think they might be robots? They're heading down the corridor now."

Several robots rolled into view at that moment, aiming guns at Joker and Arleen. "Judging by their configuration, they can't lock on to fast moving targets," commented J.J.

"Got it," said Joker, as Arleen back-flipped into one, causing its companion to shoot it. Joker grabbed the deactivated shell, using it as a shield as he sidestepped out of the way, the robots' shots just barely missing him each time, as Arleen hopped from one to the other, ripping her knife through their circuits.

"Ok, now you wanna go down the second tunnel to your left," said J.J. "There's a trapdoor at the entrance, so jump over that if you don't wanna be impaled by the stakes at the bottom."

"Geez, I wonder what this billionaire has in here that he's so paranoid about guarding," commented Arleen.

"Maybe he's like Scrooge McDuck, and he keeps all his billions in a pool of gold coins he likes to swim in," said Joker.

"Maybe," agreed Arleen. "But I can't help but feel like this is security overkill for a book. Especially since my impression of Bruce Wayne is that he's never read a book in his life…"

"Get down!" shouted Joker, throwing himself at her suddenly and knocking her to the ground. Just above them, a blast of fire incinerated the spot where Arleen had been standing.

"Thanks, Daddy," said Arleen. "And thanks for the warning, J Square!" she said sarcastically.

"Sorry – I didn't see the pressure pad that activated that," said J.J. "Good thing Dad has an instinct about these things."

"I can always sense danger," agreed Joker. "How else do you think I've stayed alive all these years? Well, it's partly my danger sense and partly my charming and hilarious nature that makes people addicted to writing me…"

"Puddin', stop yakking and pay attention!" shouted Harley. "I don't want you making a mistake and getting yourself or our little girl killed!"

"First off, puddin' is not my code name!" snapped Joker. "And didn't I just prove I could take care of our little girl? Just calm down!"

"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, Mom!" snapped Arleen. "But it's always nice to know that my family has my back. Literally."

"Yes, sweetness, it's important for people to have your back," agreed Joker. "Otherwise some unscrupulous homicidal manic could shoot you in it, just like I did to Barbara Gordon, because nobody had her back. Just tragic, really."

"Ok, the room you need to break into is just below you," said J.J.

"Got a bomb, Daddy?" asked Arleen, kneeling down.

"Always," said Joker, pulling one with his face on it out of his pocket. He placed it down on the ground and then pulled Arleen back, covering her ears.

"Seriously, this much security is not worth it for any book," said Arleen, as she threw a rope down the newly made hole, and climbed down it to see a room full of glass cases. "And I love books."

"Look at all this random crap," commented Joker, as he shimmied down after her and studied all the objects behind the glass cases. "You know, some of this stuff looks a little like Batsy's toys. You don't think Brucie is secretly a fan?"

"He probably collects Batsy's stuff so he can tell random women he's Batman in order to impress them," said Arleen.

"Gee, you wouldn't think a guy with all that money would need to make up lies like that in order to get women to go out with him," said Joker. "But then maybe he enjoys the fantasy too – rather than living the empty, meaningless life of a playboy billionaire, he likes to pretend he's some kinda superhero."

"You should tell Batsy next time you see him," said Harley. "He should sue Brucie for copyright, and maybe get some of those billions himself."

"What would Batman do with a billion dollars?" asked J.J. "He just loves punching people, and money can't buy you violence. Anyway, he obviously has about that much already with all his fancy tech and gadgets. Maybe Brucie knows who he is, and he's blackmailing him to keep his identity a secret by taking his gadgets and his identity."

"Yeah, I'm definitely gonna mention it to Batsy," said Joker, nodding. "If Brucie's blackmailing my buddy, he's gonna regret it."

"Dad, you think this is the book?" asked Arleen, pointing to an ancient, leather-bound tome in a case.

"Do you see any other books in here?" asked Joker. "I'd say that's probably the one, although it unhelpfully doesn't have a title or anything."

"Well, Uncle Jervis didn't give us a title, and how many valuable books can there be in this vault?" asked Arleen, using her knife to cut open the glass. She reached in and picked up the book. "It's heavier than you'd think," she said.

"Just so you know, that case was alarmed, and has alerted some more robots," said J.J. "They're on their way, so hurry up."

"You go up first, princess," said Joker, taking the book from Arleen and gesturing to the rope. She obeyed, climbing up, and then reached down to take the book from Joker, and helped him up the rope.

"Oh no," gasped J.J., gazing at his monitors. "Daddy-o, Gotham Goth, hurry up and get outta there!"

"Why?" demanded Arleen. "We can take robots."

"It's not robots," said J.J. "I misread this – it's not electrical robots. It's just electricity."

"What do you mean?" demanded Joker.

"I mean that hallway is about to light up with 20,000 volts of electricity that's going to fry everything in it," said J.J. "So get outta there!"

At that moment, the walls started to glow and spark, along with the floor and ceiling. Every inch of the tunnel they were in was becoming charged.

"C'mon!" hissed Joker, grabbing Arleen's hand and racing toward the elevator. He slammed his fist on the button to the lobby, but the power had been cut.

"Figures," he growled. "Electricity where we need it, and it ain't happening!"

"Up here, Daddy," said Arleen, climbing up on the side of the elevator and knocking open the trapdoor at the top using the book.

Joker followed her up, glancing back to see that the tunnel behind them was completely lit up with pulsing electricity. And then he heard the same noise coming from the elevator.

"We can't stay here, princess – the elevator's metal and it's going to charge up too!" he exclaimed.

"We can climb the wires," said Arleen, nodding upward. "They're coated in plastic."

"That'll work temporarily," agreed Joker. "But the elevator shaft is metal. It's gonna cook us eventually, because I don't think we can climb faster than electricity. This is a pretty good death trap that Brucie's got, I gotta admit."

"J.J., any ideas?" demanded Arleen.

"I'm looking," said J.J., sweeping the security cameras around the elevator shaft. "Just start climbing."

"Feel kinda like a bug in a bug zapper!" Joker chuckled, as the current scaled the walls around them.

"Me too," agreed Arleen. "The consolation is that we'll probably pass out from the physical exertion of climbing and fall to our deaths before it has time to fry us, which at least will be a quick end."

Joker grinned suddenly. "We ain't dying yet, princess!" he chuckled. "I got it!"

"What have you got, Daddy-o?" demanded J.J., but his vision was suddenly obscured by the whole shaft being enveloped in smoke. He heard nothing but sizzling, and saw nothing but smoke billowing over his cameras, which suddenly went dead. "Daddy-o? Gotham Goth? Come in!" he shouted, but there was nothing but silence.

"Where are they?" demanded Harley.

"I don't know, Mom," said J.J., trying to get his system back online.

"Puddin'? Baby? Can you hear me?" she called into her headset. "Right, that's it!" she snapped, grabbing some guns. "I'm going in after them!"

"Mom, no!" cried J.J. "Wait!"

"I can't wait when your father and my baby might be in danger!" she shrieked, kicking open the van door and racing toward Wayne Enterprises. She too could see nothing but smoke, but as she approached the blown-out doors, Joker emerged with Arleen leaning against him, coughing and clutching the book.

"You're ok!" gasped Harley, leaping into his arms and kissing him. "Oh baby, you're ok!" she whispered, covering Arleen with kisses.

"What the hell happened in there?" demanded J.J., who had followed his mother. "Why did I lose contact?"

"Sorry, I think the bug zapper might have fried the headsets," said Joker. "But not us, thanks to your mother!" he chuckled, holding up the empty water bottle. "Important to stay hydrated, and the one thing guaranteed to short circuit an electrical security system!"

"Oh puddin'!" gasped Harley, kissing him passionately. "You realize this is just giving me ammunition to gloat, right?" she asked, smiling at him. "And to remind everyone that they should always listen to me."

"And we always do, Mom," said Arleen, smiling as she embraced her and her brother.

"All right, mission accomplished!" said Joker, holding up the book. "Let's get this back to Tetchy, put it safely in that weird kid's hands, and hopefully avoid death traps for a very, very long time!"

Joker was ever the optimist. And like all optimists, he was always bound to be disappointed.


	4. Chapter 4

Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne was trying to balance his hosting duties at his charity Halloween gala with being a dutiful and attentive father to his teenage son, Damian. These were two impossible tasks, since Damian seemed intent on sulking, folding his arms across his chest and refusing to shake hands with every guest who entered the doors of the manor.

"Lovely to see you, Ronnie, welcome," said Bruce, kissing Veronica Vreeland, who was dressed as Glinda from _The Wizard of Oz,_ on her cheek. "What a very charming costume."

"Thank you, Brucie," she said, returning the kiss. "And my, how little Damian has grown! The last time I saw you, you were just a happy, carefree little boy!"

"I think you're mistaking me for someone else," retorted Damian. "Perhaps one of my father's adopted sons, who are often tediously frivolous. Thankfully, one's moved out, and the other's away at college, so neither you nor I have to be subjected to their ridiculous antics tonight."

"Damian takes after his mother," said Bruce. "She's a serious-minded woman."

"Really?" asked Veronica, surprised. "I can't imagine you becoming involved with a serious-minded woman, Brucie."

"My father isn't usually attracted to minds, whatever their type," voiced Damian. "He's just not too picky when presented with voluptuous women in tight leather."

"Excuse us for a second, Ronnie," said Bruce, grabbing Damian's arm and dragging him away from the door. "What is the matter with you?" he demanded. "Why can't you just put on a party face for this? I thought you loved Halloween – you always dress like you do, but you're not even wearing a costume tonight!"

"Neither are you," retorted Damian. "And why should I put on a party face for all your snooty society acquaintances? Why should you? Why are you even having this stupid celebration when we should be out there patrolling the streets? You don't think Scarecrow for one is going to have something planned on Halloween?"

"First of all, Scarecrow's out of town this year," retorted Bruce. "And second of all, Alfred is currently monitoring the city from the Batcave, and will alert us of any trouble. Third of all, it's important to keep up appearances, and that's what these charity galas do! They increase the impression that I'm a vapid socialite with no interest in anything besides myself! They protect my identity, and they protect you!"

"I would rather every supervillain in Gotham was gunning for us than spend five more minutes out there making boring small-talk with those empty-headed rich people!" snapped Damian. "Why couldn't you have invited any of my friends from school?"

"What, you mean those Joker twins?" demanded Bruce. "You think I want that insane family poking around here? It would have been too dangerous, Damian. The moment you make some normal friends, they'll be very welcome to attend."

"Normal friends?" repeated Damian. "The man who dresses up in a bat costume is lecturing me about normal?"

"You know what I mean!" snapped Bruce. "This is how we have to live, Damian! We have to surround ourselves with people who are dim and banal enough not to figure out who we really are. We have to fit in and act normal so nobody can ever suspect us of being any different. We have to wear a mask – it protects us."

"So we wear a mask forever," said Damian. "And never make any real connections or have any real relationships or take any risks at all, because that would put us in danger. How can Bruce Wayne be so risk averse when his alter ego puts himself in mortal danger every night?"

"We'll talk about this later," snapped Bruce. "I have guests to greet – you can stay here if you don't feel like talking. Just be on your phone, as usual," he muttered, heading back to the door. "Pierce, Francois, hello!"

Damian sighed, pulling out his phone and texting Arleen. _How's your Halloween going? I'm stuck at my Dad's charity ball and would rather be dead._

A few moments later, he got a text back._ Sorry to hear that - I'm having lots of fun! Fam and I are off on a Halloween excursion so I'll be MIA – text you when I'm back!_

"Great," sighed Damian, looking around for some candy. He approached the buffet table and rifled through a giant bowl, looking for Twizzlers.

"What type of sweets would you recommend?" asked a voice, and Damian turned to see an older man with silver streaks in his red hair standing next to him. "I'm from England, so our candy is different to yours," he explained, smiling.

"I dunno – depends what you like," said Damian, shrugging. "I like licorice, so I'm having Twizzlers – here you go," he said, handing one to him.

The man unwrapped the candy and tasted it gingerly. "I don't think that's for me," he said, making a face. "Quite a strong flavor."

"Yeah, it's not for everyone," said Damian. "You got chocolate in England? You might just try the M&M's."

"Yes, we have those," agreed the man, taking a packet.

"You should meet our butler – he's from England," said Damian. "Not that you all know each other, I guess, although I hear it's a much smaller country."

"I've met Mr. Pennyworth many times," said the man, nodding. "But I don't see him this evening."

"No, he's…uh…cleaning," invented Damian.

The man smiled. "Yes, of course. Cleaning up the streets, or at least keeping track of the messes that need to be cleaned up, is that right?"

"I…don't know what you mean," said Damian, slowly.

"I think you do," said the man. He held out his hand. "My name is Jason Blood. I am a friend of your father's, and of Batman's, and I know all about the…relationship between the two, shall we say."

"Oh…right," said Damian, shaking his hand. "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Blood. I'm Damian Wayne…but I guess you know that. You seem to know a lot."

"Yes, I do," agreed Jason, nodding. "Too much, in fact," he murmured, frowning slightly. "Or at least it seems that way sometimes," he sighed. He forced a smile. "I'm sorry, I find myself more than usually melancholy at this time of year. The autumn is very draining on one's spirit."

"I like it," said Damian, shrugging. "But then I like all that dark, creepy stuff. Some would say it's inevitable, given my heritage."

"Yes, I do enjoy the Batman's inversion of the traditional symbols of good and evil," said Jason. "Because evil…true evil…is no joke. It is something to be opposed at all costs. But Batman uses the darkness to fight the darkness, and I am forever grateful to him for that."

"Yeah, he's a real hero," sighed Damian. "Or he certainly thinks he is."

"You don't think he is?" asked Jason, surprised.

Damian shrugged. "It's different…when you're related to him," he murmured. "He'll do anything to save the lives of strangers, but his own flesh and blood…it sometimes seems like he could care less. I know he has a hard time getting close to people considering his…personal history, but it doesn't seem like he even wants to try sometimes. But maybe it's just me he doesn't want to try with."

Jason lay a hand on his shoulder. "Your father is a good man," he murmured. "I knew several good men once, men who sacrificed themselves for the things they believed in."

"Was it worth it?" asked Damian.

"To them, yes," agreed Jason, nodding.

"And to the people who loved them?" asked Damian.

Jason shrugged. "If you love someone, you respect their choices, even if you don't always agree with them," he murmured.

"But if he loves me, shouldn't he at least try to respect mine?" asked Damian.

Jason smiled. "You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, Master Wayne," he murmured. "A young man like you should not burden yourself with such concerns. You should be enjoying the heady passion and vitality of youth, among like-minded companions."

"I wish," agreed Damian. "My dad won't even let me invite any of my friends here. He says they're too weird. But Leenie's not weird, she's…"

He trailed off. "No, go on," said Jason. "There's a young lady who strikes your fancy?"

"Yeah, she's…great," stammered Damian. "Just great. But my dad doesn't even want to hear about her, because he doesn't like her family. But she's my best friend, and I'd love for her to be…something more, but I know Dad would hit the roof if I even thought about asking her out. It's not fair."

"Many things in life aren't," agreed Jason.

Damian's phone buzzed at that moment – Arleen had sent him a selfie with her knife raised from inside the Mayhem Machine, and he smiled. "See? She's great," he said, showing the photo to Jason.

He leapt back from it, his eyes wide in terror. "She's a witch!" he gasped.

"No, she's a goth…" began Damian.

"If your father has warned you off this girl, I would listen to him," interrupted Jason. "No good can come of being involved with a woman like that. She's probably only using you anyway, using you to get close to Batman…"

"What are you talking about?" demanded Damian. "She doesn't know anything about Batman. Which is probably a good thing, since her dad's the Joker."

"The Joker?" repeated Jason, incredulous. "And you'd like to get more involved with his family?"

"Well, yeah," said Damian. "They seem nice…"

Bruce Wayne rushed over at that moment, saying into his phone, "We're on our way, Alfred. Jason!" he exclaimed, noticing who his son was talking to. "I'm sorry, we can't stay, there's been a break-in at Wayne Enterprises!"

"A break-in?" repeated Jason, paling. "Not…not the book?"

"There's no reason to fear the worst yet…" began Bruce.

"Yes, there is!" exclaimed Jason. "It's Halloween! What else would a thief be trying to steal tonight, when her power is strongest?! I'll bet you anything it's Klarion, or someone Klarion's hired to do his dirty work!"

"I'll keep you updated, but we have to get over there now!" said Bruce. "Damian, get to the Batcave – I'll bring the party to an abrupt finish," he added, reaching into his jacket for a smoke bomb.

The fire alarm went off, and in the chaos of the smoke and the evacuation, Bruce slipped away to the Batcave.

"What have we got?" he demanded of Alfred, as he and Damian changed into their respective costumes.

"I'm having a hard time accessing the security feed – it's as if someone's trying to lock me out," muttered Alfred, glaring at the blank monitors. "But the various alarms indicate that someone is trying to access the vault."

"They must not be allowed to steal that book!" exclaimed Jason, who had followed them down to the cave, and who was gripping the chair with white knuckles. "You said it would be safe there, since Wayne Enterprises is impenetrable!"

"And it is!" retorted Bruce. "If worse comes to worst, even if they do manage to get their hands on the book, the electrical security system will fry them when they try to get out…"

There was a strange hissing sound as the monitors came alive with white noise. "What the hell is going on down there?" demanded Jason.

"I don't know!" exclaimed Alfred, trying to bring the volume down so they weren't deafened by the sizzling noise. "I would guess the electrical security system is doing its job!"

"Try the CCTV from the neighboring building," said Bruce, going over to help Alfred. "Maybe it'll give us a clue as to who's behind this."

The footage showed Wayne Enterprises with smoke billowing out of it. And then they saw two figures emerge from the building, clutching a book. Alfred managed to pick up some audio feed of a familiar voice saying, "All right, mission accomplished! Let's get this back to Tetchy, put it safely in that weird kid's hands, and hopefully avoid death traps for a very, very long time!"

"Joker," growled Bruce, his eyes narrowing.

"Leenie," whispered Damian.

"We're doomed," murmured Jason.


	5. Chapter 5

"You got it!" exclaimed Klarion, leaping to his feet as the Joker family re-entered their home carrying the book.

"Of course," said Joker. "You ask for the Joker family, and you get the best."

"You must name your price," said Klarion, seizing the book from him and gazing at it with shining eyes. "I will give you whatever you ask for in exchange for this. I am in your debt until the end of my days."

"Don't worry about it – just the satisfaction of a job well done is enough for me," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, it was fun, and that's a reward unto itself."

"Yeah, I've got enough money for all of us to have anything we want," agreed J.J. "I'm glad I learned that lesson when I was young – money doesn't buy you happiness. But it certainly helps if you know how to have a little fun with it."

"Amen to that," agreed Harley.

"You must really love that book," commented Arleen, heading over to grab some Halloween candy. "What's it about anyway?"

"It relates an ancient legend," murmured Klarion, flipping through the pages. "About Camelot."

"Camelot?" repeated Arleen. "King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table's Camelot?"

"I hear they dance when'ere they're able," chuckled Joker. "And that Camelot is a silly place, where they eat ham and jam and spamalot."

"It's not a real place, is it?" asked J.J.

"It was, yes, centuries ago," murmured Klarion. "A land of peace and prosperity, order and justice."

"Sounds kinda lame," spoke up Harley. "Who'd wanna live in that kinda boring hellhole without being able to cause a little trouble?"

"My thoughts exactly, pooh bear," agreed Joker, kissing her cheek.

"Yes, well, man's natural instinct for sin and chaos brought about its destruction," agreed Klarion. "I don't know how familiar you all are with the stories, but before King Arthur married Guinevere, he had an affair with a witch named Morgaine Le Fey, who was also his half-sister. Arthur was conceived when his father, Uther Pendragon, disguised himself as Morgaine's mother's husband, with the help of the wizard Merlin, essentially tricking her into bearing his child."

"Urgh, creepy medieval freaks with their rape and incest," said Joker, making a face. "How very _Game of Thrones_."

"I agree, Dad, people who share the same blood should not be doing things like that," said J.J., nodding. "But it might be ok with a completely unrelated family friend who you just think of as a relative, say a close friend of your mother's, as a random, nonspecific example."

"Arthur and Morgaine's union produced a son," continued Klarion. "He was named Mordred, and Morgaine hoped he would inherit the throne of Camelot via his royal bloodline. But then Arthur married Guinevere, a mistake on his part, as it turned out, for the lady was unfaithful, and she began an affair with his comrade, Lancelot. The punishment for the crime of adultery in Camelot was death, but Arthur refused to sentence his wife to that fate. By doing so, he proved that his mantra of equality and justice for all, no matter their station, was a lie, since the powerful will always make exceptions for themselves. The people of Camelot revolted, and led by Morgaine and Mordred, laid siege to the castle. Mordred met Arthur on the field of combat, while Morgaine…"

He trailed off, reading the text. "Morgaine was…allowed entry to the castle through a portal created by Merlin's apprentice…Jason."

Klarion grinned. "Uncle Jason," he murmured. "How very naughty of you."

"Wait, your uncle was alive centuries ago?" asked Arleen, confused. "Is he some kinda vampire?"

"He is an immortal," agreed Klarion, nodding. "Not a vampire, but…he has his own demonic cross to bear, shall we say. And I can see why now," he chuckled.

"So what happened?" asked Harley. "Did Gandalf the Grey and Merlin duke it out?"

"You're not really following any of this, are you, cupcake?" asked Joker.

"Not really, no," agreed Harley. "I like _The Sword in the Stone _cartoon, but that didn't have this stuff in it. Not appropriate for kiddies, I guess."

"Morgaine was confronted by Merlin, who used the last of his strength to imprison her within the pages of this book," said Klarion. "And Arthur defeated Mordred, but succumbed to his wounds shortly after. And it was too late to save Camelot. The dream of perfect order, justice, and equality died with him."

"Good riddance," said Joker, waving his hand. "All that stuff's overrated."

"Wait a second, are you saying that book contains a centuries old witch?" asked J.J.

"Yes," said Klarion, nodding. "And tonight she will be released from her prison within its pages."

"Are you sure that's such a good idea, Klarion?" spoke up Tetch, who had thus far been silent. "What would a centuries old witch have to do in Gotham, after all? The world is so different now from the one she knew…it will probably be quite traumatic for her to adapt to modern society. It still is for some of us, and we were born into it."

"Morgaine Le Fey is a remarkable woman," said Klarion. "I do not think she'll have trouble adapting to anything. It has been the great ambition of my life to try and bring her back, to apprentice myself to her magic and to learn her ways, which are wise and powerful and infinite. This is the fulfillment of a lifelong dream of mine, and I will not be dissuaded from it."

"Yeah, let the kid have his dreams, Tetchy!" snapped Joker. "What kinda monster are you to wanna deprive him of his ambitions? Think of the children, for God's sake!"

"I must voice my own agreement with my uncle," said Alice. "While of course I support you as my friend, Klarion, I can't help but think this might be a very grave mistake. Who's to say she'll even want an apprentice, after all?"

"One would think she would show some gratitude to the person who released her from her prison," retorted Klarion.

"One would think," agreed Harley, nodding. "But in my experience, people are a bunch of ungrateful creeps. You can spend your life slaving away for someone and you don't even get so much as a thank you. You can do it all, bust them outta prisons, wait on them hand and foot, give 'em two wonderful children, and all they do is take you for granted and treat you like crap. Except Mr. J," she added, kissing his cheek. "He's just the best."

"I once again thank you for your help, and your concern," said Klarion. "But I know what I am doing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to return home to perform the ritual that will free her."

"Well, let us know how that goes," said Joker, leading him to the door. "And yell if you need any help – I don't really go in for rituals and all that occult crap, but if you need sacrificial victims I can probably kidnap you some people."

"Thank you," said Klarion. "And thank you again for retrieving this for me. And thank you, Uncle Jervis, for the introduction," he said, nodding at him. "Have a very happy Halloween."

"Nice kid," commented Joker as he shut the door after him. "Little weird, but who am I to judge?"

"Yes, Klarion is an…exceptional boy," said Tetch, slowly. "His so-called uncle Jason has no idea how to handle him, and so I've sort of adopted him into my family. He's very…mature for his age, or at least what appears to be his age. And also very determined to get what he wants, which is usually some dangerous occult artifact from time gone by."

"Seems kinda like your type, Leenie," said J.J. "Unless he and cousin Alice have some kinda understanding – I don't wanna start a fight."

"Thank you, no," retorted Alice. "I don't want to form any sort of romantic relationship with an immortal child."

"Why not? That sounds like Tetchy's dream come true!" chuckled Joker.

"Alice is far too young for any sort of romantic entanglement," said Tetch, sternly.

"But she's older than us," pointed out Arleen.

"And you're both far too young for that too," agreed Harley, nodding.

Arleen and J.J. shared a look, but said nothing. "I didn't meet your father until I had graduated from medical school and started working at Arkham, so mid to late twenties is about the right time to meet your soulmate," continued Harley. "So you can both just wait until then."

"Harl, you don't want the kids to turn into repressed weirdos like the hat freak by forbidding them from dating!" snapped Joker. "And you certainly don't want them to turn into depressed incels, which is how some people describe me at the moment."

"Who?" asked Harley, confused.

"Just people," snapped Joker. "Modern journalists, for instance, but then what can you expect from the media? I mean, honestly, do I look depressed? I'm not the Bat, for God's sake! Just use your eyes, people - the giant, perpetual smile is a big clue that I'm smiling on the inside! And trust me, I have no problems getting laid."

"You got that right, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing him. "Speaking of which, it's a little late for trick-or-treaters now, so how about we head to bed and you can feed your Harley girl some candy?"

"If anything, thanks to the insatiable mother of my children, I get laid too much, and I'd be happy to cut back," continued Joker. "Is there a word for that? Vocel or something?"

"We'll just…bid you goodnight," said Tetch, slowly. "Come along, Alice. We should call Jonathan and his family when we get home and see how their Halloween was – I'm sure they'll have some fascinating tales to tell about Salem."

"Yeah, if the kid succeeds in bringing this witch to Gotham, maybe we'll be famous for some burnings in the near future too!" chuckled Joker. "Man, Johnny's gonna be pissed that he's not here though – Mr. God of Fear would fanboy out over a real witch. So be sure to tell him and ruin his vacation."

"Yes…I still think it's a bad idea," said Tetch. Then he shrugged. "But who am I to question Klarion's judgement? After all, no harm ever came from reading a book."


	6. Chapter 6

"Jason, are you sure you can handle this alone?" asked Batman, who was seated in the Batmobile with Damian as Jason climbed out of the car in front of a dilapidated building. "We're happy to back you up…"

"Just stay here," interrupted Jason. "Let me try to handle this by myself…but it might be a good idea to keep a close watch, just in case…"

He trailed off. "In case what?" demanded Batman. "What is so dangerous about this book?"

"I hope you'll never have to find out," retorted Jason, slamming the car door shut.

"It's kinda annoying when people are aloof and mysterious and don't share secrets with you, huh?" asked Damian lightly, as Batman glared after Jason.

"Come on," said Batman, opening the door. "We're following him."

They shadowed Jason as he crept to the door of the building, raising a finger to unlock it. He pushed it open, and Batman and Damian followed him into the darkness within. There was a strange red glow coming from the room up ahead, and Jason walked slowly toward this.

"You need to stop this now, Klarion," he murmured.

Batman and Damian climbed the rafters of the room to see a boy below them, with a cat perched on his shoulders, running his hands over a glowing, bubbling cauldron while speaking some strange words he was reading out of a book in front of him. The boy looked up and smiled at Jason - the cat hissed at him.

"Welcome, Uncle Jason," the boy said. "You're just in time to remake the acquaintance of an old friend of yours. Although I understand she was a little more than a friend, wasn't she?"

"Klarion, you don't know what she's capable of," said Jason, in a voice that clearly strained to remain calm. "If you do this, if you release her, the chaos she will unleash will be unimaginable. It destroyed Camelot, and all who lived there…"

"My dear uncle, apparently _you _destroyed Camelot, according to the text," interrupted Klarion, nodding at the book. "You let her in, after all, for love, was it?"

"For what I thought was love," agreed Jason, nodding. "But I was young and naïve, Klarion. I made a mistake, a very grave mistake which haunts me to this day, and I don't want you to make the same mistake…"

"I am neither young nor naïve, Uncle, despite my appearance," interrupted Klarion. "I have been trying to free her for centuries, and now finally tonight I will have succeeded. You have failed in your quest to prevent her return, but then I suppose you must be used to failure by now."

"Klarion, please, listen to me," said Jason. "I'm begging you. She is a force of unrelenting evil. The villains of this city are nothing compared to her. She is a creature who has survived through the centuries by her hatred alone, and her twisted desire for vengeance. That is her life blood now, that is what has sustained her throughout the ages, and if she unleashes that upon the people of this city, they will witness destruction such as they have never known. It will be the force of a hundred supercriminals combined, and not even Batman will be able to stop her."

"No," agreed Klarion. "There will be no so-called heroes to stop her this time. I want what you want, Uncle, a paradise on earth. But our methods in achieving this are fundamentally different – you, like Arthur, believe in repressing mankind's natural instincts via law and order, and think that will somehow bring about utopia. But I believe that the way to achieve utopia is to unleash the instincts of man, for man's natural instinct is the pursuit of happiness."

"Evil, selfish happiness," retorted Jason. "I believe that left unchecked, humanity always indulges its worst instincts."

"Good and evil are arbitrary concepts," said Klarion, shrugging. "There is no such morality in nature. But there is freedom. Don't you think, after centuries of civilization, humanity should finally be allowed to be free?"

"Free to murder and maim?" demanded Jason. "Free to hurt others for their own selfish pleasure? No, I don't think people should be allowed to do that."

"You did once," murmured Klarion. "The book does not lie. You brought down a kingdom for your own selfish pleasure, for your love. So did Guinevere, and so did Arthur. But it was the world they lived in that made them do that, the world that didn't give them the freedom to love who they wanted. Tonight, a new world will be born, a better world, with a new queen to rule over it forever. All hail Morgaine Le Fey."

"Klarion, no!" shouted Jason, but he was too late. Klarion had raised a knife, cutting the blade across his hand and spilling his blood into the cauldron as he spoke the words written in the book. There was a blinding flash of light, and then smoke bubbled up from the cauldron, enveloping the room in thick, black fumes. Batman could barely breathe - the smoke seemed to fill his lungs like tar, choking him…

And then it cleared, to reveal a beautiful woman. Klarion fell to his knees in front of her, and the cat joined him. "My dark mistress," he murmured. "You have returned."

Morgaine Le Fey looked around the room with cold, dark eyes, which fixated on Jason, who just stared at her aghast. She smiled cruelly. "Hello, my love," she murmured.

Jason shook his head. "No…" he gasped.

"What's wrong, my love?" she purred, approaching him. "You don't look happy to see me. And a reunion of old friends is always a happy occasion, don't you agree?"

"Morgaine, please…" he gasped.

"How dare you address me by my name?" she interrupted, her dark eyes flashing. "You pathetic little traitor – you have no right to even stand in my presence."

Her hand shot out, clutching him around the throat. "I want the other one," she murmured. "The demon my son summoned to imprison you in hell on earth. At least I know he'll be a dependable servant. How does your little spell go again? _Gone! Gone! O form of man! And rise the demon Etrigan!_"

With a roar, Jason transformed into the demon, who immediately sank to his knees in front of her. "My dark mistress," he murmured.

"That's better," sniffed Morgaine. She turned back to Klarion, and smiled kindly at him. "My dear, sweet child," she said. "It is I who should kneel to you. After centuries of imprisonment, I am free again. You will be richly rewarded for what you have done, I promise you."

"I wish only to learn from you, mistress," murmured Klarion. "I beg of you to teach me what you know, the power and wisdom of the ages."

"Of course, my darling boy," she said, patting him on the head. "All in due time. But first I must take care of some uninvited guests."

"There is no one here but me, Etrigan, and my familiar Teekl," said Klarion, nodding at the cat.

"Oh, but there is," said Morgaine, whose eyes drifted upward toward the rafters. "A strange man in a bat costume."

"Ah. The Dark Knight defender of Gotham City," said Klarion, grinning up at him. "Batman."

Batman swooped down to face them, with Damian right behind him.

"I stand corrected – the Dark Knight and his little fledgling Robin," said Klarion.

"He is strangely dressed, for a knight," commented Morgaine. "But then I suppose fashions must have changed in a thousand years, among other things."

"We will handle them for you, mistress," growled Etrigan, as he confronted Batman. Teekl the cat also transformed into a humanoid woman covered in fur, growling and baring her teeth at Damian.

"No need," said Morgaine, raising a hand. "I can handle men perfectly well by myself."

"If you're going to cause trouble in my town, you can leave it," said Batman, glaring at her. "Or I can make you."

"Really?" she asked, raising an eyebrow and smiling. "I admire your resolve, Dark Knight. I have faced many knights in my time, and all have fallen before me. And by that I mean have fallen to their knees in submission and service to me."

"I'm sure," said Batman. "But I won't be one of them. I encounter a lot of egomaniacs like you on a nightly basis, and if I have to, I'll leave you as bloody and broken as they always are by the end of them."

"Ooh, he's so determined," Morgaine purred. "I like it. So much more satisfying to break a man of iron will. But that's the problem with iron – when it breaks, it snaps."

She raised her hand again, and Batman felt himself being pulled toward her against his will. He tried to fight against whatever invisible power seemed to drag him forward, but his arms and legs hung uselessly at his sides, his muscles disobeying his orders.

"When I was a girl, I was taught to play with dolls," said Morgaine, smiling at him. "My mother told me it would be useful some day. I assume she meant in my presumed role as a wife and mother, but that was not where I found the skills I learned most useful to me."

She lifted a finger, and Batman cried out as his arm snapped back – it felt like it was wrenched out of its socket. "When you play with dolls, you learn to bend and break the human anatomy," Morgaine continued, twisting her finger so that Batman's arm began to twist. "Which is useful for all sorts of things. Knowing which joints bend which way, and knowing which way they shouldn't," she added, flicking her finger up so that Batman's knee snapped upward, and he roared in pain.

"Dad!" shouted Damian, racing forward to try to help Batman as he writhed in agony. "Let him go!" he shouted at Morgaine.

"Don't tell me what to do, child – it won't end well for you or your father," murmured Morgaine. She drew her hands together, and Batman felt the bones on his arms and legs stretching apart. "But there's no fun in breaking a man completely on the first encounter," she sighed. "This is just a small demonstration of my power – a message for all the other knights who would try to challenge me. Whatever you do, teach your daughters to play with dolls."

She wrenched her hands apart, and Batman screamed as he felt his bones snap in a hundred places. Morgaine shoved her hand forward, and Batman went flying backwards out the window, his shattered body hitting the ground outside.

"Dad!" cried Damian, racing after him out onto the slick streets. "Oh my God, Dad, you're gonna be ok!" he gasped, but Batman had lost consciousness from the pain. Damian raised his gauntlet to his lips. "Alfred, we're gonna need an ambulance now!"

"What is it, Master Damian?" asked Alfred, anxiety evident in his voice. "What's happened? Is Master Bruce all right?"

"No," whispered Damian, tears gathering in his eyes as he gazed upon his father's broken body. "No, he's not."


	7. Chapter 7

"Morning, princess," said Joker, as Arleen entered the dining room the next day. "How'd you sleep?"

"Great, Dad," said Arleen, grabbing a bowl of cereal. "J.J. isn't up yet? He's gonna miss the bus."

"Somehow I don't think school concerns your brother as much as it does you," commented Joker, pouring chocolate milk onto his own cereal. "I think he takes after his old man by not caring about things like that, while you take after your mother by being obsessively committed to things."

"Morning, sweetie," said Harley, emerging from the kitchen with a pot of coffee and a brown bag. "I got your lunch all packed."

"Mom, I told you, you don't need to do that anymore," said Arleen, sighing. "I'm a teenager now and I can pack my own lunch."

"Aw, but I like taking care of my baby," sighed Harley. "I always have," she added, kissing Joker's forehead as she poured him a cup of coffee.

"Well, thanks," said Arleen, taking the bagged lunch from her. "But I'd really like to do it myself in future, if that's ok. I appreciate everything you do, Mom, but I just wanna start being a little independent and doing things for myself now."

"I understand, sweetie," said Harley, hugging her. "From now on, no more overbearing mother. Now where's J.J.? I got his lunch ready too, and he's gonna miss the bus if he ain't down here soon."

"I think he's probably electing not to go to school today," said Joker. "And since you've just said no more overbearing mother, it'll be his own responsibility if he misses the bus. After all, it's his choice not to go to school since he's an independent teenager now."

"The hell he is!" snapped Harley. "I'm still his mother, and while he's under my roof, he's going to school! I'm gonna go drag him out of bed right now!" she added, storming off.

"Well, she tried being less overbearing," sighed Joker. "For about five seconds. But at least she tried."

Arleen grinned as she headed into the living room, turning on the TV while she ate her cereal. "In other news, billionaire Bruce Wayne was admitted to Gotham General last night with serious injuries," the newsreader said. "While details on his condition are scarce, his son Damian told reporters that his father had been hosting a costumed charity gala dressed as Batman when he suffered an accident which resulted in his hospital stay. It is unknown when he will regain consciousness."

Arleen stared at the screen. "Daddy!" she shouted.

"What is it, angelface?" asked Joker, rushing into the room at the tone of her voice.

"Bruce Wayne's in the hospital," said Arleen, pointing at the TV. "You…you don't think it has something to do with our theft at his company last night?"

"I don't see how it could," said Joker. "He wasn't there. The weird kid told us he was hosting a party at his house."

"Yeah, that's what the news said," agreed Arleen. "But don't you think it's a little coincidental that he gets seriously injured on the night we break in to his company?"

"You think he was so angry when he found out that someone managed to steal from him that he shot himself or something?" suggested Joker.

"I don't think he's that unstable," said Arleen. "I just…I don't know. I don't have a good feeling about this. I gotta get to that hospital," she said, standing up. "Damian will be there, and he'll talk to me. I need to see that he's all right too, especially if this is our fault…"

"Sweetness, I'm sure this has nothing to do with us," said Joker. "Bruce Wayne's a rich guy – for all we know, a lifetime of eating fatty foods and drinking to excess has just caught up with him. Maybe it's a pre-existing heart condition that just flared up when some trick-or-treaters said boo. I don't think you should feel guilty even if this is our fault somehow, but definitely if it's not…"

"But what if it is?" demanded Arleen. "What if Damian's dad is permanently injured because of me? It would be the end of our friendship, and I can't lose that. I gotta go see him," she said, heading for the door.

"I'll drive you," said Joker, grabbing the keys to the Jokermobile.

"Wait, where are you two going?" demanded Harley, re-entering the room dragging a very sleepy-looking J.J. after her.

"I'm driving the kiddos to school, hon – it takes 'em forever on the bus, while we can just blast through traffic with the Jokermobile. Literally," Joker added. "C'mon, J.J."

"Well, aren't you a thoughtful Daddy?" asked Harley, kissing him. "See you soon, puddin'. Have a good day at school, kiddies," she said, hugging both of them.

"Ok, I'm actually driving Leenie to Gotham General hospital to see Damian and his dad, who's been admitted there," said Joker, as the three of them buckled in to the Jokermobile. "J.J., you can come with us, or I can drop you off at school on the way. Or anywhere you want, really."

"Awesome," said J.J. "Aunt Ivy's hideout is near the hospital, isn't it? I might go hang out with her today."

"You don't have better things to do with your time than hang around that dried up old weed?" asked Joker.

"She's teaching me valuable life skills," said J.J. "Like…how to take care of plants. It'll be useful to learn all her tips and tricks for how to talk to 'em, and keeping 'em wet, and just generally knowing how to handle...plants," he finished.

Joker shrugged. "It's your life," he said. "Now let's get to that hospital."

…

Damian gazed at his father's bandaged but still unconscious form as he lay in the hospital bed. The relationship between him and his father had always been strained, but seeing him literally broken last night had been hugely traumatic, and Damian now regretted being so harsh on him over the years. As a child, his mother, Talia al Ghul, had always described his father as being a disappointment, and when he went to go live with his father as he reached adolescence, he had largely agreed with her assessment. His father was a difficult person to get close to, and neither of them had tried their best to form a loving relationship. In that way they were similar – preferring to be alone and sullen than attempt to engage honestly with each other. Maybe they were both afraid of being vulnerable to each other. But seeing how vulnerable his father actually was had given Damian a new resolve to try again…assuming his father recovered from what had happened to him, of course.

"Damian?" said a familiar voice.

He looked up to see Arleen standing in the doorway. "Leenie!" he gasped, as she raced over to hug him. "Are you a sight for sore eyes!" he sighed, embracing her tightly.

"They were talking about your dad on the news this morning – how is he?" she asked, concern shining in her blue eyes. "How are you?"

"We're both…doing as well as can be expected," said Damian. "My father's tough though – he'll be all right," he said, with more confidence than he felt.

"Can I ask what happened?" asked Arleen.

"It was…an accident," said Damian, slowly. "Sort of…hard to explain."

"Did it have anything to do with the break-in at Wayne Enterprises?" asked Arleen. "Because that was me, and I'll never forgive myself if I'm in any way responsible for this."

"Yeah, we…saw you and your dad on the CCTV after the burglary," said Damian. "With…the book."

"I thought you wouldn't mind us stealing the book – the kid who hired us said the book belonged to him, and that your dad had taken it from his uncle somehow," said Arleen. "I swear, I never would have done it if I knew it would hurt you or your dad."

"I believe you," said Damian, nodding. "You couldn't know, and I didn't know…anything about it. But now I've seen…" He shut his eyes tightly. "I've seen…horrible things. You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Yes, I would," said Arleen, firmly, taking his hand. "Tell me, Damian. Please."

Damian gazed into her pleading eyes, and nodded slowly. "Dad and…a friend and I went after the book, and we found a boy reading it."

"Klarion," said Arleen, nodding. "He hired us to steal it."

"He read some words and cut his hand and…this woman appeared," said Damian. "I think he called her Morgaine Le Fey. Anyway, she…she did this to dad," he said, gazing at Bruce. "She just raised her hand and…broke his bones. Like he was on the rack – it was just horrible."

"Why?" asked Arleen, puzzled. "Why would she want to hurt your dad?"

"I…uh…think she mistook him for Batman," invented Damian. "Because of the costume and all," he said, gesturing to it.

"Yeah, we noticed your dad had a lot of Batman stuff at his company," said Arleen, nodding. "I didn't know he was such a big fan – that's a pretty authentic costume he's wearing too."

"Yeah, he…really dedicates himself to his costumes," said Damian, slowly. "The kid talked about Morgaine like she was going to bring about the apocalypse or something. I guess she doesn't want Batman getting in the way of that."

"Well, I would say we should try to warn the real Batman, but I'm sure Daddy wouldn't mind him being put on the rack," said Arleen. "Would serve him right after what he's done to him all these years – I'm sure he's broken all his bones more than once."

"Yeah…I'm not actually that worried about the real Batman…more about what Morgaine's going to do to this city," said Damian. "I mean, even if he tries to challenge her, he'll be as ineffectual as my dad was, and without Batman, Gotham is defenseless…"

"Wow, way to just dismiss my dad like that," interrupted Arleen. "He's not going to let some centuries old witch move in on his turf. Don't worry, Damian. Gotham will always have a Joker in the deck."

"Um…I guess that's reassuring," said Damian. "But what makes you think Morgaine can't just lift her hand and do this to him?" he asked, gesturing to his father. "I mean, your dad's…just a man. And I can't help but think we need someone more than a man to confront her, someone with the same kinda supernatural powers so they can be evenly matched. Maybe the Justice League or something…"

"My dad's humiliated that club of caped do-gooders more times than he can count," interrupted Arleen. "If he can handle them, what makes you think he can't handle a witch?"

"I dunno, she just seemed…really powerful," said Damian. "In a way I don't understand…I've just never seen anyone who could do that to my dad…he can usually handle himself in a fight, but this woman didn't even give him a chance to raise his fist. What chance does anyone have against someone like that?"

"Don't worry, Damian," repeated Arleen. "My dad's got more than a few aces up his sleeve. If this witch starts causing trouble, he'll show her what trouble really means."

"It's nice you have faith in your dad," said Damian, nodding. "I wish I could."

"Hey, a Joker never disappoints," said Arleen, hugging him. She kissed his cheek. "Now turn that frown upside down, huh? Everything's gonna be all right with a wild Joker around."

"My ears are burning!" chuckled a voice, and Damian quickly shoved Arleen away as he looked up to see the Joker entering the room.

"Daddy, I told you to wait outside!" said Arleen, annoyed.

"Yeah, but then I heard my name," said Joker, shrugging. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" he asked, looking from Damian to his daughter.

"No, just…I don't think Damian's in the mood to see a lot of people," said Arleen. "Especially since he hasn't met you before…"

"Wow, old Brucie's seen better days," Joker said, ignoring Damian and heading over to the bed. "Did I ever tell you I spent a day trapped in Brucie's body once, and vice versa? Weird experience all round since he's a lot less of a man than me, if you know what I'm saying. Fun being rich for a day though!"

"Damian says that witch trapped in the book that Klarion wanted did this to him," explained Arleen.

"What, the small manhood thing?" asked Joker. "Makes sense that was a witch's curse. Better hope it's not hereditary, kid," he added, nodding at Damian.

"No, the…putting him in the hospital thing," said Arleen, slowly. "Apparently she mistook him for Batman."

"Understandable," agreed Joker, nodding. "That costume really suits him. Sometimes you see people dressed as Bats who are really overweight or something, but this one is the spitting image…"

He leaned over to study the cowl more closely, and that was when Bruce opened his eyes. "Oh my God, you are not kissing me!" he shouted.

"Wow, don't flatter yourself, Brucie," sniffed Joker. "You're not the real Bats, and I wouldn't kiss any other guy but him."

"Joker…what are you doing here?" gasped Bruce, instantly relieved that his secret identity remained intact as he looked around the hospital room. He hissed in pain as he tried to move his arm, but was unable to.

"My kid came to see if your kid's all right," said Joker. "She has a sensitive, caring nature – takes after her mother. I'm not the type to feel guilty if stuff's not my fault, or even if it is, for that matter."

"This _is _your fault," growled Bruce. "You stole that book…"

"And me stealing a book is the reason you ended up in the hospital?" asked Joker. "That's a pretty tenuous connection in any court of law – no jury would uphold a guilty verdict on that."

"The book is the reason she was released," retorted Bruce. "And she's crazy, crazier than you…"

"Oh please, don't insult me, Brucie!" snapped Joker. "Nobody's crazier than me. Now I'm sure this is all just a little misunderstanding, but if it makes you feel better, we'll go find Tetchy, he'll take us to this kid and the witch, and we'll have a little talk and sort all this mess out. I'm sure she's not so bad once you get to know her, just like all of us."

"Mr. Wayne, you're awake!" exclaimed the doctor, entering the room. "What a wonderful…"

He trailed off as he saw Joker in the room. "Surprise!" exclaimed Joker. "That's what you were gonna say, right? What a wonderful surprise! And you know what else is a wonderful surprise? Leftover Halloween candy. Here, have a piece of gum," he said, handing it to the doctor.

"Uh…is it going to poison me?" stammered the doctor.

"No, of course not!" chuckled Joker. "What a paranoid thought! No joke in poisoned bubble gum, is there? And you know me – I don't do anything unless it's a funny joke!"

The doctor slowly put the gum in his mouth, chewed it, and then screamed as his teeth blew out.

"It explodes," explained Joker, as the doctor rushed off, screaming. "Exploding bubble gum – now that's funny! C'mon, sweetness," he said, as Arleen followed him out of the room. "Let's go talk to this witch."

"See, what did I tell you, Damian?" she asked, turning back to smile at him. "Everything's gonna be fine."

"You've got to go after them!" demanded Bruce after they left.

"Why? They can handle it," said Damian. "I'd rather stay here with you, Dad…"

"And I need you out there!" snapped Bruce. "I don't know how long I'm going to be laid up in here, but Gotham needs someone to protect it from monsters like them, and that's your job! So go do it!"

"Fine," muttered Damian. "Glad you're alive too," he grumbled, heading for the door.

"Damian, wait…" began Bruce, but he had already gone.


	8. Chapter 8

"It's very nice to meet you at last - Klarion's told me so much about you," said Jervis Tetch, as he poured a cup of tea for Morgaine Le Fey. "I know Alice will be so disappointed to have missed you, but sadly she's at school. I would have kept her home if I knew you were coming, but I honestly wasn't sure how successful Klarion would be in his task last night. But you must forgive me for doubting you, Klarion. And you must also forgive me, since I'm not quite sure how to address you, having never met a witch before. I mean, not a grown witch – Klarion is a witch boy but he's not one to stand on ceremony, while you are of a royal bloodline, of a kind…"

"You may call me dark mistress," interrupted Morgaine. "As all mortals will in abject terror during my imminent reign."

"I see," said Tetch, maintaining his smile. "Well, that's a little…megalomaniacal."

"You must equally forgive me for readily embracing the manners of this age, if they offend you," continued Morgaine. "In mine they were to hide one's true identity and ambitions under a mask of courtly etiquette. But I understand there is less of that today – that people loudly trumpet their goals and sins, however morally reprehensible, to total strangers."

"Yes, that's…usually only on the internet," said Tetch, slowly. "Which I try to avoid, for obvious reasons, and where identities are a shifting mass of anonymous avatars. I think there's still some semblance of manners in the real world…although perhaps not, perhaps I too am just channeling the etiquette of an earlier age in which I am more comfortable. Which is perhaps why I was never a huge success in the modern world, to understand it so little. But you seem to have adapted very quickly."

"As I said she would," said Klarion, nodding, as he helped himself to a biscuit.

"Perhaps this time period suits me better," agreed Morgaine. "In my age, there was a feudal system, and the people who were placed in charge largely remained in charge, and there was little ability to fight back, particularly as a woman. Here apparently anyone can become in charge, man or woman, as long as they're sociopathic enough not to care about all the men and women they step on to get there. Which I am."

"How far humanity has come," said Tetch, dryly.

"Yes, and they will come much farther," agreed Morgaine. "I wish to help you people free yourselves from the misery you find yourselves in, the repression of society, of law and order and morality. Klarion tells me you're a former criminal lunatic, so you must be able to relate to these ideals."

"Yes, partially," agreed Tetch. "But it's been a long time since I actually wreaked destruction upon anyone, and even then it was confined to a few people who I believe had wronged me. I'm not really a fan of general mass chaos – it makes one late for tea."

"It's certainly not for everyone," agreed Klarion. "But I do believe such an experience will benefit most of humanity, and the needs of the many do outweigh the needs of the few."

"Quite right," agreed Morgaine, nodding. "Something that fool Arthur never understood. I accept that he loved his wife, which is admirable as far as it goes, but he shouldn't have put her welfare above the ideals of Camelot. People come and go – ideas live forever."

"And that's your defense of them?" asked Tetch. "Personally, I would always prioritize the transient, since it is so impermanent. That's what makes it precious, like life, which you do not fully appreciate until it's gone. There is no rush to embrace an immortal ideal, since it will be around forever. But we must closely embrace those brief feelings and people we love, because they will soon be gone, and we will never see their like again."

"I find sentiment a very tedious weakness," sighed Morgaine. "Of course there is a certain obligation which one must honor toward one's children, for instance, and which I naturally did toward my son, Mordred. I tried to do my best for him when he was alive, but now that he is gone, we must all move on with our lives and ambitions. And my ambition is a world of freedom in which one must be strong, with no room for nauseating sentiment or weakness. Love is the ultimate weakness, and the only way I was strong enough to achieve immortality is because I overcame that weakness."

"I do not believe love is a weakness," said Tetch. "It is, in fact, the source of my greatest strength."

"Then we must fundamentally disagree," said Morgaine. "Which seems a shame, but I am sure there are many others out there who would readily embrace my idea of boundless freedom."

"Oh yes," agreed Tetch, nodding. "Certainly in Gotham – I can think of one man in particular who would like nothing better than to make it a city of chaos."

There was a knock on the door. "And here he is now - speak of the devil, and he shall appear," commented Tetch, as he opened the door to reveal the Joker.

"Yeah, how's it hanging, Tetchy?" asked Joker, clapping him on the back as he entered the room with Arleen following him. "We were wondering if you knew where to find that creepy kid and his pet witch…"

He trailed off when he noticed the other people in the room. "Well, that didn't take long!" he chuckled. "You're right, Tetchy – speak of the devil and she shall appear! How ya doing, sweetheart, I'm the Joker."

"You are a jester?" Morgaine asked, studying him in confusion.

"You could say that," agreed Joker, nodding. "I'm the Clown Prince of Crime, the Jester of Genocide, the Harlequin of Hate, although I don't really like that moniker as much, one because people confuse it with Harley, and two because I don't really feel a lot of hate – people seem to hate me, for some bizarre reason, but haters gonna hate, so you gotta just shake it off…" he added, extending his hand to Morgaine.

"Don't shake his hand," interrupted Klarion, as Morgaine leaned forward to do just that.

"You are another criminal lunatic, I assume?" asked Morgaine, noticing the joy buzzer in his hand. "There certainly seem to be a lot of them in this area."

"Yeah, something in the water, I guess," agreed Joker. "And speaking of criminal lunatics, I understand you mistook a certain Bruce Wayne for Batman last night, and put him in the hospital."

"I don't know who Batman is," said Morgaine. "Or Bruce Wayne. But a man in a bat costume did confront me shortly after I was released from my confinement. He was most ill-mannered, and so I merely responded in kind."

"Yeah, I don't imagine Bruce Wayne has too much in the way of manners, but when you're that rich, you don't need 'em," agreed Joker. "But the point is that we do have a local bat-costumed flying rodent here in Gotham – he's a buddy of mine who's also a criminal lunatic, but considers himself a hero whose self-given mission is to uphold order and justice in Gotham, such as it is. I would hate for you to put the real Batman in the hospital, since that's my job, so I just wanted to ask that you be a little more careful next time."

"I'm afraid I can make no such promise of care," retorted Morgaine. "My business here is to bring about a world of unfettered humanity free of all moral and social restrictions, including order and justice. If this Batman stands in the way of that, he will be dealt with. I seek only to free mankind from the chains of repression by obliterating society as we know it, and letting each individual do whatever makes them happy."

"Sounds a little like you, Dad," commented Arleen.

"Well, my motivation isn't for the good of mankind or anything," said Joker. "Mostly for my own personal amusement."

"Then you have no objection to my plan," said Morgaine. "I trust you will be an ally in this?"

Joker thought for a moment. "Well, I'm as idealistic as the next guy," he said, slowly. "But if everyone in Gotham frees themselves from the chains of sanity, then what's the point of me? If everyone tries to be me, it's not like I won't obliterate the competition, but I'm just not sure I wanna start that contest in the first place. Plus who will I pick on if nobody's an innocent victim anymore? There's no joke in trying to play pranks on people who are just as debased as you are – everyone knows slapstick's only funny when the sap's got dignity, like Batsy. If you make every citizen of this town a psychotic, morally reprehensible hedonist, then I'm outta a job, which is to control my own brand of chaos, and unleash it upon an unsuspecting public with my impeccable comic timing. And frankly, I love my work too much to give it up."

"I would suggest you make peace with my plan, anyway," said Morgaine. "Because I will be enacting it, with or without your consent. If you do not join me, you too will be dealt with."

"That sounds kinda like a threat, sweetheart," retorted Joker. "I don't respond well to threats."

"Dad, don't provoke her," said Arleen, nervously. "Remember what she did to Bruce?"

"I did that with a twirl of my finger," agreed Morgaine. "And I could rip out every tooth in that ridiculous smile of yours and leave it a bloodied husk just as easily."

"I do like a dame who talks dirty!" chuckled Joker. "You're all right, toots! But you're new here, so I can forgive you for not knowing when I'm joking. Like I said, I'm the Joker, and I'm not very serious about a lotta things. I was just messing with you, like the kids say. Of course I support your chaos plan – who wouldn't? It sounds like a laugh riot, literally."

"I am glad to hear it," said Morgaine, standing up. "We must return to Klarion's now – I left Etrigan the demon there to collect a few ingredients for my spell, which he should have accomplished by now. Once the spell is cast, this whole city will be free. And it will thank me for its freedom, or be destroyed. As all who oppose me will."

"Well, it's been very nice to meet you," said Tetch, leading her to the door. "Have a very pleasant day."

He shut the door on her and Klarion, and then turned to Joker. "Were you serious about supporting her plan?" he demanded.

"What are you, nuts?" demanded Joker. "I ain't gonna let some crazy, medieval dame take over this town and ruin all my hard work in tormenting its innocent citizens! It's no fun if they're no longer innocent citizens - then tormenting them is justice, like Batsy thinks! And I'm not about to turn as crazy as Batsy!"

"So what do we do?" asked Tetch. "We have to stop her somehow. Do you think Batman could help? I can go see if the police will light up the Batsignal…"

"I don't want Batsy in on this," interrupted Joker. "After what she did to Brucie, he could be seriously injured and that's the last thing I want someone else doing to him. No, this is a job for people who are used to causing chaos, because I think we're gonna need our own brand of it to counter hers."

"Agreed," said Tetch. "But we Rogues are all mere mortals, as is Batman, I suppose. Who on earth do we know who could be powerful enough to counter a witch?"

"You're forgetting, we got our own local witch here in Gotham!" chuckled Joker, heading for the door. "Or a word that rhymes with witch, anyway! C'mon, Leenie, let's go pay your Aunt Ivy a visit!"


	9. Chapter 9

Harley Quinn knocked on the door to Poison Ivy's hideout. "Harley!" exclaimed Ivy as she opened it. "It's Harley!" she repeated, loudly. "Harley Quinn! Harley, what are you doing here?" she demanded.

"I was gonna see if you wanted to go out on a shopping spree, just like old times," said Harley. "But I can see you ain't even dressed yet. Still in your pajamas this late – are you sick?"

"Yes, I'm not…feeling very well," said Ivy, slowly, as she tied her robe around her scanty nightgown. "So it's probably best that I quarantine myself…"

"Aw, well, I'm here now, so you're gonna feel better in no time!" exclaimed Harley, pushing open the door and stepping inside. "Lemme get you some soup – chicken, not tomato, so don't you worry about those plants…"

She trailed off when she saw her son seated on the sofa in the living room. "J.J., you're meant to be at school!" she snapped. "What are you doing here with Red?"

"She…told me she was sick, so I stopped by to take care of her," invented J.J. "I couldn't concentrate on my studies knowing my beloved aunt was in pain."

"You could have called me – you both could have!" snapped Harley. "You know how much I love taking care of people! And you shouldn't be skipping school, J.J., even though it is sweet of you to be thinking of others in need," she said, kissing his cheek. "But seriously, I'm driving you back to school," she added, grabbing his arm and hauling him to his feet.

"Aw, but it's such a waste of time, Mom!" protested J.J. "I'm already a millionaire, so who cares how educated I am?"

"I care," retorted Harley. "And you should care too, as a conscientious human being! You don't wanna end up like one of those idiotic rich people, do ya? No son of mine is going to turn out like Bruce Wayne or Lex Luthor!"

"You don't want me to be president?" asked J.J.

"Hell, no!" retorted Harley. "Your Daddy was president once for about five minutes, but that was enough to make me hate it! The whole lead up to the election in particular – just awful! Politics is no game for a self-respecting criminal, and your father and I taught you kids to be self-respecting! No son of mine will end up as a politician, or I've failed as a parent!"

"Mom, I'm not gonna go into politics – I'm not a masochist," retorted J.J.

"Well, I am, but politics is just too demeaning," retorted Harley. "Now c'mon, let's go."

She was about to drag J.J. out the door when there was a knock on it. Harley opened it to reveal the father of her children, and her daughter. "You're also meant to be at school!" Harley exclaimed, glaring at Arleen.

"Relax, pooh, I said the kiddies could cut class," said Joker. "Leenie's friend's dad was in the hospital, and she wanted to show her moral support."

"Aw, we've got such thoughtful kiddies!" sighed Harley. "But they've got to learn that you can't just ignore the rules just because the people you care about need you. That's not what I taught you."

"That's exactly what you taught us," retorted Arleen.

"Well, maybe it is," agreed Harley. "It's just weird to see your Daddy go along with it – normally he doesn't care about people's feelings. Maybe I've rubbed off on him more than I thought," she added, kissing him.

"What do you want, J?" demanded Ivy.

"Definitely not to see you in your underthings, for a start," retorted Joker. "Thank God I didn't finish breakfast, so I don't have much to throw up."

"You're hilarious," retorted Ivy, sarcastically.

"I'm here because a situation has arisen which I think you could help with," continued Joker.

"And why would I do that?" asked Ivy.

"Well, it's got Tetchy concerned, so that's usually a pretty good sign that it's really bad," said Joker. "Some kid he knows brought a witch from the Middle Ages to Gotham, and now she's threatening to take over the city."

"Ok. And?" asked Ivy.

"Well, it seems like she might actually be able to accomplish that," continued Joker. "She's got these insane magic powers – she apparently just lifted her finger and broke every bone in Bruce Wayne's body. That's way beyond the capacity for destruction I have, and frankly, I'm a little jealous. But this is like Kryptonian supervillain levels of destruction, and I wouldn't be comfortable with an alien freak causing trouble here either. I hate to sound like Lexy, but we humans can do enough damage ourselves without bringing supernatural powers in to do it for us."

"And you think her takeover will result in millions of human lives lost?" asked Ivy, eagerly. "I'm certainly looking forward to that. Do you know what her feelings are about plants? I might volunteer to join forces with her if she's favorable."

"Her theory is that she's emancipating humanity from the repressive chains of society and order," said Arleen. "Which yes, will probably result in lots of human lives lost as they maim and murder each other. But do you really think unchained humanity will be any nicer to plant-life than they already are? If you're angry about what civilized humanity is doing to the planet, just imagine them uncivilized. They wouldn't even pretend to care about the environment anymore. They'd be completely liberated to be completely selfish."

"Some would say they already are," retorted Ivy.

"Selfish enough to reduce the planet to rubble," continued Arleen. "Personally, I think the way you're doing things now is the strategy that's going to prove most effective in achieving your goals in the long run. You're on the offensive, destroying people before they can destroy you. But imagine if they attacked first. Imagine if every human in this city did."

"My babies and I could take them," retorted Ivy. "They're outnumbered."

"But surely you agree that the human capacity for violence is greater than anything else's?" asked Arleen. "Could you and your babies fight back against millions of people at their full capacity for destruction? I think it would be like children trying to fight against a nuclear bomb. There may be a lot of children, but ultimately they're all going to be irradiated."

"She gets the morbid imagery from me," said Joker proudly, as he kissed Arleen's cheek.

"Well, I only have your word that she's as big a threat as you say," said Ivy. "How's she even going to accomplish this utopia of chaos?"

"She's a witch," said Arleen. "She's going to cast a spell."

"I don't believe in real witchcraft," said Ivy. "It was a label invented by the patriarchy to oppress and murder women with impunity, but nobody who was ever burned at the stake actually had magical powers, or they wouldn't have been burned at the stake."

"So the people who were persecuted as witches weren't really witches, but that doesn't mean they're not out there," retorted Joker, shrugging. "This broad certainly convinced me, and you know I don't buy into that hocus pocus crap without good reason."

"Oh, why do our friends know such weird people?" sighed Harley.

"Because they wouldn't be our friends otherwise," retorted Ivy.

"Yeah, but you don't see Mr. J or me summoning the devil, do ya?" demanded Harley. "There's weird, and then there's _weird_. I get the feeling this woman is definitely _weird_. Like Batsy or…"

"Robin," commented J.J.

"Yeah, like him," agreed Harley, nodding.

"No, there's Robin," he said, pointing out the window. They all turned to see a young man in a Robin costume perched on the sill, his hands raised in a gesture of surrender.

"J, can you not lead the caped freaks to my hideouts?!" demanded Ivy, furiously, as she opened the window. "Because of your special relationship with Batman, they're always on your tail!"

"Or they're suicidal," agreed Joker. "Any last words, kid, before I beat you to death like your predecessor?" he asked, as Robin stepped into the room.

"I'm not here to hurt you," said Robin. "Any of you. I'm here to help you with this witch if I can."

"Yeah, you'll be some help," said Joker, sarcastically. "Where's the big guy?"

"He's…out of town," invented Robin. "On Justice League business. But I heard about what happened to Bruce Wayne, and I know Batman would want me to do whatever I can to stop this witch."

"Which won't be much," finished Joker. "We can handle this, kid."

"I'm going to help you," said Robin, firmly. "This isn't a request."

"How dare you speak to Mr. J like that!" snapped Harley. "Go ahead, beat him, puddin'!"

"No, Dad, wait," said Arleen, holding out a hand to stop him. She studied Robin, and he held his breath, hoping against hope that she didn't recognize him as Damian Wayne. He had thought about confronting them without his secret identity, but he knew his father always preferred masks when dealing with everyone. Besides, it was convenient to explain away Batman's absence in Gotham's hour of need to avoid people suspecting Bruce's true identity.

"I thought you said this kid was pathetic," Arleen continued, turning to her father. "Think about what a great gag it would be if you took him under your wing while Batsy was away and taught him to actually be a competent sidekick. Wouldn't that be an amazing joke on him?"

Joker beamed. "You know, it actually would!" he chuckled. "And if we need to use someone as live bait for the witch, this kid is one hundred percent expendable! You can watch and learn from my kiddies to see how a useful human being behaves, for however briefly you have left to live," he added. "Well, now that the gang's all here, we'd better call Tetchy and see if he knows where we can find this kid so we can hopefully stop the witch before she casts her spell…"

He stopped talking as clouds suddenly obscured the admittedly dim Gotham sun, and the sky turned a sickly orange color. They heard a woman's voice on the air chanting some ancient words in an unknown language, as the wind picked up, blowing dead leaves through the slick streets. They suddenly heard a roar, like the crowd's reaction in a football game when the referee makes a particularly egregious call. A mob of humanity voicing its discontent, and threatening violence just before the beginning of a riot.

"Too late," murmured Arleen.


	10. Chapter 10

"Wait a second, why isn't the spell affecting us if it's been cast?" asked Harley, looking around at everyone in the room.

"I would guess it's because nobody in this room is bound by the chains of society or repression," retorted J.J. "Nobody here cares what people think about them – if they did, they certainly wouldn't dress in silly costumes, for one," he added, looking pointedly at Robin.

"You and Dad have always taught us not to repress things," agreed Arleen, nodding.

"Well, psychologically it ain't healthy," said Harley. "And I did do a lot of it back when I was a shrink. But then I gave up being a shrink and I've never repressed any whim of mine since."

"Yeah, those of us who've been on the receiving end of her whims know that well," muttered Joker, sticking his head out the window. "I don't see anything different aside from the weather though…"

He was cut off by a hail of bullets flying through the window. "Ok, that's new," he commented.

"Die, clown freak!" shouted a voice from below. "You've caused us enough trouble over the years – it's time for decent people to do what the law won't!"

"Yeah, I lost two of my buddies thanks to your last joke!" shouted another voice. "It's payback time!"

"Great, just like I predicted," sighed Joker. "It's turned everyone in this city into homicidal nutcases! See how this isn't fun?"

"We gotta get outta here – they're gonna break down the door!" exclaimed Harley.

"My plants will hold them off," said Ivy, calmly, as she returned from getting dressed. At that moment, they heard an inhuman screech from outside, and Ivy hissed in pain. "But maybe not as long as I thought they could," she agreed.

"Move, everyone, now!" ordered Joker.

"Out the back," said J.J. "There's a secret entrance that way that's concealed by some trash cans – it leads out to the street. I was trying to head that way when Mom showed up so I wouldn't have to make up an awkward explanation for why I was here."

"You mean you weren't here to look after Red?" asked Harley.

"No, that's exactly why I was here," agreed J.J. "Looking after her, in a euphemistic sense…" He looked shocked at what he had said, and clapped a hand over his mouth.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley.

"Nothing, he's such a Joker, just like his dad," Ivy said, hastily. "He was looking after me because I'm sick, and he knows the secret way out because he helps me with my gardening a lot, and that way leads to the compost heap. He's got a green thumb, that boy."

"I'm sorry, Auntie, I don't know how that came out…" whispered J.J.

"I do – it's that damn non-repression spell," retorted Ivy. "But euphemisms work, since they're true but not explicit, so use those if possible, without admitting that's what they are!"

They all raced out of Ivy's hideout to see that the Jokermobile was being beaten and smashed by an angry mob. "Thank God my car is less conspicuous," said Ivy, as she gestured to a green automobile not far away, that so far hadn't been touched. They all piled inside, and Ivy drove off into the streets which were full of people attacking each other.

"I'd better call the Hat Freak – I'm guessing the only way to stop this spell is to somehow get rid of that witch," said Joker, taking out his phone. "And he probably knows where she is. Hello, Hatty?"

"Yes, hello, you'll have to ignore the screaming," said Tetch, who appeared on the screen amidst a background of fire and destruction. "I'm trying to head to school to pick up Alice. Apparently it's chaos there, as one would imagine in a place of unrestrained teenagers, and thank God I ignored that ridiculous no weapons in school policy and sent her with her axe."

"You're keeping yourself safe, aren't you, Jervis?" asked Harley, concerned. "I know you're not really a violent guy, so these mean streets must be difficult for you."

"Not really – I've brought Alice's familiar Dinah along to take care of any trouble," commented Tetch, nodding at the cat perched on his shoulder.

"What's a little cat gonna do against a mob…" began Joker, but at that moment, the cat leapt off Tetch's shoulder, and transformed into a huge clawed and fanged cat monster, which hissed at the people who tried to approach him and began cutting them to pieces.

"Well, there's something you don't see every day," commented Joker.

"Jervis, do you know where this witch is? We need to stop her before anyone important gets hurt," said Harley.

"Yes, I'll join you and take you to her once I've picked up Alice," said Tetch. "The more the merrier for this task, I believe. But you'll need to find a safehouse where we can all meet – unfortunately my apartment complex has just been torched."

"Well, Ivy's hideout's just been trashed, and I think ours is probably gonna be too if we head there," said Joker. "It's pretty obvious with all the clown stuff outside that it's one of ours, and the mob is not friendly toward us."

"We should head to Wayne Manor," spoke up Robin. "That's got all kinds of security to keep people out, and since Bruce Wayne's in the hospital, I doubt he'll mind us crashing."

"How can we crash Wayne Manor if it's got all kinds of security to keep people out?" demanded J.J. "I mean, I could probably get around it if I had my computer, but I don't."

"Leave that to me," retorted Robin. "If there's one thing Batman's taught me, it's breaking and entering."

"That's the one thing he's good at," agreed Arleen.

"Ok, looks like we're meeting at Wayne Manor, Hatty," said Joker. "See you when you get there."

Robin, meanwhile, was texting Alfred. _Get Dad out of the hospital as quick as you can._

Alfred responded: _Already done, Master Damian. He's on his way home in the car with me._

Robin replied: _Great. If you can, lock him in his room so he doesn't freak out._

Robin could almost hear the hesitation in the message as Alfred responded: _Why would he freak out?_

_Because there's gonna be a bunch of supercriminals in his house _replied Robin._ I figured Wayne Manor was a safe place for us to gather as we plan our assault to take down the witch who cast this spell, but I know Dad's not gonna like it._

_ Nor do I, Master Damian_ replied Alfred. _In fact, I consider it the height of folly to potentially expose your father's secret in this manner. He would not approve._

_ I know_ retorted Robin. _But I don't care about his approval. Or yours._

It was a moment before Alfred wrote back. _This is the most foolhardy idea I've ever been a party to, and that includes your father's bat-related activities. But very good, sir_.

"And I guess that's as close as the English ever get to becoming unrepressed," sighed Robin.


	11. Chapter 11

"Welcome to Wayne Manor, ladies and gentlemen," said Alfred, as he held open the door with a forced smile on his face. "If indeed there are any of those among your company."

"Thanks, Alfred, I know Mr. Wayne won't mind helping out," said Robin, as he led the way into the manor. "He's a philanthropist who enjoys taking care of people in need, after all. And he donates enough money to Arkham that you'd think he'd leap at the chance of helping its inmates in times of trouble."

"Seriously, what do you have on old Jeeves here to make him cooperate with this?" asked Joker, slapping Alfred on the shoulder. "You're the one who called out the hit on the Waynes, aren't you? Did they insult your cooking or what?"

"Believe me, sir, if it were ever necessary for me to take a life, I could do it myself," retorted Alfred. "As I have done in the past, during my time in the SAS, and I would do it again in a pinch. Let's leave it at that," he added, removing Joker's hand from his shoulder.

"That's good – we'll need that politely murderous attitude should things get tricky with the mob," said Joker. "And speaking of politely murderous, here's our own English ex-pat who also apparently hasn't been affected by the non-repression spell," he commented, as Tetch appeared with Alice following him, carrying her cat which had transformed back into a harmless pet.

"Not quite – as you can see, my cravat isn't properly tied," replied Tetch, nodding at his tie. "Of course a gentleman would never go out without wearing one, but it came undone in the chaos on the way here, and I didn't feel like fixing it. If that's not unrepression, I don't know what is."

"You're right – you don't," agreed Joker, nodding.

"How do you do, Mr. Pennyworth?" said Tetch, removing his hat. "I believe I know your cousin, Reginald Pennyworth."

"Reggie?" repeated Alfred, surprised. "I wasn't aware you were acquainted."

"Yes, he's my family butler back in England," said Tetch. "For three generations."

Alfred stared at him. "_You're_ Lord Tetch?" he exclaimed. "Lord Tetch, the eighteenth Baron of Kent and Master of Tetch Hall?"

"I am indeed, for my sins," agreed Tetch, nodding.

"My lord, this is an honor!" exclaimed Alfred. "I hadn't realized…I mean, Reggie never told me…goodness gracious me, where are my manners, please do make yourself comfortable, my lord," he said, bowing him inside. "May I get you a cup of tea?"

"That would be lovely, thank you," said Tetch. "I could certainly use one after the day I've had…"

"Yes, tea and crumpets would be quite splendid, but we do have this rather ghastly spell going on that we need to put a stop to, doncha know," said Joker, in a mock British accent. "I'm sorry to break up your little English tea party, but in case you've forgotten, we've got work to do!"

"Tea will help with the work," retorted Alfred. "That's how we as a nation have managed to keep calm and carry on through our many conflicts over the centuries, although Master Bruce scoffs at it too," he sighed. "He's a coffee drinker. Only drinks tea if it's cold and has ice in it."

"Americans," sighed Tetch, rolling his eyes. "I'd certainly appreciate some hot tea."

"Me too," agreed Alice, petting her cat. "All that bludgeoning people with an axe certainly takes it out of one."

"I'll have a coffee," said Ivy. "Without plants, if possible."

"I don't know if that is possible, but I will certainly try my best," said Alfred, turning to go.

"I'll come with you, Pennyworth," said Tetch.

"Oh no, my lord, I wouldn't dream of making you slave away in a kitchen," said Alfred.

"I've spent many happy hours in kitchens," replied Tetch.

"I simply won't stand for it, my lord," said Alfred, firmly.

"Very good, Pennyworth," sighed Tetch.

"It's Alfred, sir," said Alfred. "I know being on a first name basis with my employer is terribly awkward, but Mr. Wayne the elder started that convention, and it's too late to change it now. He wasn't aware of the etiquette of addressing a butler by his last name, but that's Americans for you. No respect for tradition," he sighed, heading off to the kitchen.

"Cousin Alice, you look beautiful covered in all that blood," said J.J., smiling at her. "A lot of heads must have rolled today."

"Actually, I decided not to murder our classmates, and merely cracked a few skulls together in the interests of self-defense," retorted Alice. "Our fellow teenagers are temporarily seized by a supernatural madness over which they have no control, but that's not something they should die for."

"Well, I can see it certainly hasn't had any effect on your self-control," said J.J., nodding.

"No, indeed – my decorum is perfectly natural, as I don't repress my urges," replied Alice.

"I'm glad to hear that," said J.J., grinning. "I don't either."

"Obviously," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"Can we get back to the really important matter at hand?" demanded Arleen, glaring at her brother. "Namely this witch, and how we stop her."

"I vote for some kinda surprise attack," said Robin.

"Geez, did you think that up all by yourself, kid?" asked Joker, sarcastically. "Obviously we're not going to confront the witch head on!"

"Yeah, we're not suicidal," agreed Harley, nodding. "Although if Robin wanted to confront her head on, y'know, as bait, I wouldn't object."

"Does anybody know how her magic works?" asked Arleen. "Uncle Jervis?"

"Well, I'm not as well versed in witchcraft as some," sighed Tetch. "But I have spent enough time with Klarion to know the basics. I do know it does take quite a bit of energy to use magic, so my suggestion would be to make her over-extend herself, shall we say, so that she doesn't have the strength to continue with the spell. If she tires herself out and can't use her magic anymore, she should be easy enough to overpower."

"But she's been planning this for centuries," said Ivy. "I'm guessing she's built up a lot of strength."

"And a gun can have a great deal of ammunition in it, but firing bullets repeatedly leads to it overheating," retorted Tetch.

"We're gonna overheat the witch?" asked Harley, confused.

"In a manner of speaking," agreed Tetch. "Think of magic as a kind of technology – indeed, the two are not so very dissimilar. A circuit shorts out when too much power is applied to it, and so I believe a spellcaster might short circuit if they use their magic too intensely. It drains the machine through which it flows, in this case, the witch. If it drains her too much, she will break."

"And then we can all sing _Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead_," said Joker, nodding. "Speaking of which, is there some way we could dump a house on her? I'm reliably informed that's worked well in the past. Do you know if water will melt her? Because if so, we could just wait for rain, which is never far off in this city."

"I'm not sure throwing a bucket of water on her is a viable plan," said Tetch, slowly. "Nor do I think films from the Golden Age of Hollywood are any guide to reality."

"Just Victorian children's books, huh?" asked Joker.

"I think short-circuiting her magic is probably the best plan," continued Tetch, ignoring him. "But it's going to need all of us to coordinate our attacks, precisely timed so she has to focus on too many of us at once. A sort of attack and then fall back strategy on a large scale. If we can wear her down by sheer number of attempts, we may have a chance of overwhelming her."

"I'm sorry, but 'may have'?" repeated Robin. "We kinda need to know if this will work, or there's no point in trying it."

"Typical Bat attitude," sighed Joker. "Gotta be sure you'll win before you try anything. It's not healthy, you know, and it's no way to live. You gotta take chances in life, kid, because nothing is certain. There are no guarantees, especially when you're facing a centuries old witch. You just gotta try your best and roll with the punches. Sometimes literally, when you're being beaten by a Bat bully."

"Yes, and when there's limited information out there, you just have to work with whatever you've got," sighed Tetch. "Much of my research has been just stumbling around the unknown borders of reality and exploring all its possibilities. It's completely unpredictable, but enjoyable."

"Two words I know your Bat buddy frowns upon," agreed Joker. "But that's all words, really. Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't killed yourself yet, kid. Why would you even follow some depressed lunatic in a bat costume unless you're suicidally depressed yourself?"

"Call it a family obligation," replied Robin. "Batman is my father…figure, and I'd like to not disappoint his expectations for me, just as I'm sure you don't want your children to disappoint yours."

"Well, they never could, so there's that," said Joker, shrugging. "My expectations for my kiddos are that they enjoy what they do, have a great sense of humor, and get what they want out of life. And lo and behold, they are," he added, patting his children on the head. "But Batman's expectations are…what? That you follow him around like a devoted puppy, mimicking his every move?"

"Something like that," agreed Robin. "He wants me to carry on his legacy. Isn't that what you want your kids to do?"

"Yeah, but carrying on my legacy means having fun and enjoying yourself," said Joker. "So that ain't difficult, and it ain't expecting anything from them that they wouldn't want to do anyway. Mostly I want 'em to follow their heart and do the thing that makes them happiest. I think that's what every good parent wants for their kids, don't you?"

"Well…yeah," agreed Robin, grudgingly. "But you know Batman…"

"I do know Batman," agreed Joker, nodding. "And I love the guy, don't get me wrong. But he should never have had kids, or kid mentees, or whatever the hell he thinks you are. Heroes should never have children, because no child can ever live up to their image."

"That's true," muttered Robin.

"Who's for tea?" asked Alfred, re-entering the room with a tray. "I've also got coffee – it's instant so I'm not sure it uses plants, Miss Ivy. Master Bruce won't touch it because he says it's not real coffee, so I've been looking to get rid of it anyway."

"Thanks," said Ivy, taking the mug from him. "Did you bring fake sugar too?"

"But of course, madam," replied Alfred. "And milk, although that's not fake, but I trust you have no objection to animal products?"

"No, the more of those we kill, the better," agreed Ivy, pouring milk into her coffee. "The less they'll eat my babies."

"How is Master Bruce?" asked Arleen, taking a cup of coffee from Alfred.

"He's resting comfortably, last I checked," replied Alfred. "His son Damian is watching over him," he added, glancing at Robin. "My hope is that Master Bruce will sleep through this whole incident, and wake up after the spell is broken."

"Like the precious little princess he is," chuckled Joker, sipping his coffee.

"I've got several types of tea for you, my lord, as I wasn't sure what you wanted," said Alfred, presenting Tetch with a box.

"Speaking of princesses," commented Joker.

"Darjeeling, Assam, Earl Grey…" continued Alfred.

"Alice, darling, you choose," said Tetch.

"Oh, they all taste the same," Alice sighed. "Just pick one and put it in some water."

Both Alfred and Tetch stared at her. "What did you say?" asked Tetch, shocked.

"I'm sorry, Uncle, it must be that non-repression spell," said Alice. "But honestly, all tea does taste the same to me, so I don't have a preference."

"Alice, my love, I didn't know that about you," said Tetch, surprised.

"You're not disappointed, are you?" she asked, concerned.

"No, not disappointed," said Tetch. "Just…puzzled as to how you could think something so wrong. But you are still a child, after all, and I shouldn't expect your tastes to have matured yet," he said, embracing her. "I'm sure you'll realize your mistake with time. We'll have Darjeeling, please, Alfred."

"Excellent choice, my lord," said Alfred, putting some loose leaf tea into a pot of water. "We'll just leave that to brew…"

"Alfred, who are you talking to?" asked Bruce Wayne, who suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs in a wheelchair. "I heard voices…"

He trailed off, his mouth falling open in shock and horror when he saw who was in his home. "Hi, Brucie, funny seeing you twice in one day, isn't it?" asked Joker, waving at him. "Hope you don't mind us crashing here to draw up some battle plans, but the Bird Boy said you'd be out of it. Just goes to show you how wrong he is about pretty much everything, huh?"

"Master Bruce, you should get back to bed – I'm surprised your son let you out of your room. He must be asleep," said Alfred, pointedly, as he hurried toward Bruce.

"Alfred, what the hell?" hissed Bruce.

"It was Master Damian's idea, sir," said Alfred. "They wanted a secure place to plan an attack on this witch that would be safe from the mob…"

There was a sudden thudding against the front door, as objects began being hurled through the windows of Wayne Manor. "Though perhaps it's not as isolated as I'd hoped," finished Alfred.

"Eat the rich!" shouted a voice from outside. "Bruce Wayne doesn't deserve to have all this money – let's take it from him by force!"

"Activate the manor's defense systems," said Bruce, as Alfred hurried over to press a button behind a bust of Shakespeare.

"All right, let's watch these freaks get gunned down!" exclaimed Joker, racing to the window. "What kinda stuff you got here? Flamethrowers? Land mines? Release the hounds?"

"They're non-lethal rounds, of course," retorted Bruce, as rubber bullets began firing from guns concealed behind the turrets of Wayne Manor. "I'm not going to kill trespassers. Coming onto my property isn't a crime worthy of death…unfortunately," he added, glaring at Joker. His glare shifted over to Robin, who could feel the deep disapproval burning out of his eyes. He had hoped to avoid a lecture from his father later, but he knew now there was no such luck. But he dreaded it more than he dreaded facing off with the witch.

"Might I recommend you all heading off to stop that spell as soon as possible," said Alfred. "I think that's really the only way these attacks will truly cease."

"I assume there's a back way out?" asked Tetch, standing up. "Sadly the tea will have to wait," he sighed.

"No, my lord, please take it with you," said Alfred, pressing the teapot into his hands. "There is a secret way out, through the Bat…backdoor," he invented. "Just follow me, please."

"Alfred, you make sure they don't touch anything!" shouted Bruce. "Or see anything they shouldn't!"

"Oooh, has Brucie got a creepy collection of some kind?" asked Joker. "The heads of his enemies preserved in glass jars, that kinda thing?"

"Not to my knowledge, sir," replied Alfred, heading toward the clock that concealed the entrance to the Batcave. He pressed the button that opened it, while turning the hands of the clock, which immediately drew a camouflage screen over the rest of the Batcave so that it appeared to be a solid stone wall. "Please follow me," he said, heading down the stairs. "Mind your step. Master Bruce installed this secret passage in the event he ever had to flee the manor in case of trouble."

"With the tax people, right?" asked Joker. "I had a little trouble with the IRS myself a few years ago. They're ruthless bastards."

"Quite," agreed Alfred. "This passage will put you out at the bottom of the hill – I'm not sure where this witch is located, but hopefully it isn't far."

"You're gonna be ok here, right?" asked Arleen. "I mean, you and Bruce and Damian…"

"We shall all be quite safe and secure in the manor with its multiple defense systems, so please don't worry about that," said Alfred. "They're placed all over the grounds."

"But what if someone found this secret passage and used it to get in?" asked Arleen. "Is it protected by multiple defense systems?"

"It's not necessary, miss – the entrance is well concealed," replied Alfred, as they emerged out into the night behind a mass of shrubs. "No one would ever think to look here for an entrance…"

"Hey, it's the supercriminals!" shouted a voice. Everyone looked up to see an angry group of people headed toward them, wielding weapons. "Let's make 'em pay for what they've done to this town!"

"We'll take care of this for you, pops," said Joker, reaching for his gun.

"No need, sir," said Alfred, holding out a hand to stop him. "It's under control."

And Alfred sprang into action. They all watched in astonishment at the blur of movement as Alfred effortlessly disarmed each of the attackers, incapacitating them with a quick blow to the neck which left them lying unconscious on the ground.

"Threats are most ill-mannered," Alfred sighed, adjusting his bowtie. "And I simply can't abide them."

"Look out!" shouted Robin, leaping forward as one of the not quite unconscious men reached for his gun. He was foiled by Tetch shattering the teapot on his head, knocking him senseless.

"Attempts on one's life are even more ill-mannered than threats, and I can't abide either," Tetch agreed.

"Thank you, my lord, but you've lost your tea," said Alfred.

"Well, we shall just have to keep calm and carry on without," said Tetch.

"Very good, my lord," said Alfred, saluting him. "For Queen and country."

"What the hell was all that?" asked Joker, as they headed off.

"I dunno – I guess that's what happens when British people get together," said Harley, shrugging. "It goes all _Downton Abbey_."

"I really hope they'll be ok," said Arleen, glancing back. "I wish I coulda said goodbye to Damian at least."

"I'm sure he'll be fine," said Robin.

"How would you know?" she demanded, rounding on him. "You don't even know him!"

"No, I…guess I don't," said Robin, slowly. "But you're the one heading straight into danger, not him, so I'd be more worried about yourself."

"I can take care of myself," retorted Arleen.

"And she's got a whole bunch of people around her who will be looking out for her too," said J.J., putting an arm around his sister. "That's what family is for."

"Yeah," agreed Robin, glancing back at Wayne Manor. "That's what family is for."


	12. Chapter 12

"It's glorious, dark mistress," said Klarion, as he stood on the balcony of his apartment with Teekl perched on his shoulder, watching the people of Gotham rioting below. "Soon the weak will be destroyed, and those left, the strong and powerful, will build a new, freer society, tearing down the temples of law and order and erecting monuments to you, their savior."

"Yes, freedom is all very well, for a while," agreed Morgaine. "But anarchy is an unnatural state. Human beings are children, and no matter how much of a temper tantrum they throw, sooner or later, they'll tire themselves out. Humanity always needs to be mastered by a strong leader who dominates them, and guides them, and punishes them when they fall short of expectations. I have waited a long time for this, but good things come to those who wait, and my patience has finally been rewarded."

"Speaking of rewards, I was wondering if you would now instruct me in the ways of your dark magic," said Klarion. "While my own has gifted me with immortality, it is mostly dependent upon the will or the tools of others," he added, glancing at Etrigan. "I have little to no resources of my own."

"Ah, that, my child, is because you don't know how to acquire power," replied Morgaine, patting his head. "You don't know the things you have to do in order to get that. You see magic as some kind of game, yes? It's only natural as a child that you view things as a source of pleasure, a fun means to an end if it means getting what you want. But true magic, true power, is so much more than a game. It is the only thing worth having in this miserable world. Not love, not wealth, not happiness, but power. Those other things are fleeting, but power remains constant. It always exists, and someone always has to hold it. And those who hold it are those ruthless enough to do whatever needs to be done to get it."

"I'm sure I can be ruthless, my dark mistress," said Klarion.

"Can you?" she asked. "Etrigan has said when you used my branding iron to control him, you stole cakes and sweets, and destroyed things that irritated you. That is how a child plays with a toy. Power is not a toy, and the things you have to destroy will not only be the things which irritate you. Sometimes they will be the things you love," she murmured, gazing out the window. "Sometimes they will be the things you carried, and gave birth to, and cultivated and shielded and cared for, and loved more than you ever thought you could love anything. You see, only those who are strong enough to pay that price deserve power."

"I understood…your son died fighting Arthur," said Klarion, slowly.

"Yes," she murmured. "He did. But he had to die. I traded his soul for mine, for my own immortality to avenge myself upon those who wronged me. It was always my plan. The throne of Camelot was a mere distraction, something I had to dangle in front of Mordred in order to place him in the circumstances in which I could sacrifice him. He would have always had to die, even if he had seized the throne from Arthur and was crowned king. A mere kingdom would never be enough for me. I had to have more. I had to have it all."

Klarion was silent. "I am just a child," he agreed. "And as you say, I might not understand everything, but…when you have absolute power…I mean…what's the point of it all if it doesn't make you happy?"

"Only a child is concerned with happiness," murmured Morgaine. "And you're right, you don't understand. You can't understand what it was like…_I _was just a child when it happened, when I saw Uther Pendragon ravish my mother…I had the gift of sight even then – I could see through Merlin's magic to the truth that this man was not my father, but she couldn't. Only I knew. I watched him impregnate her with that bastard Arthur. And then the beast Uther murdered my father, and took my mother for his wife, and me…me he treated worse than a dog, the unwanted child of his dead rival, beating me and abusing me whenever he saw me. Mother could do nothing to stop him, and nor could I. I had no power over men as a child…but as I grew, I learned that there was a very special, unique power that a woman has over men – her beauty. I cultivated that, and when the day came when Uther noticed that I had inherited my mother's beauty, and tried to take it by force as he had my mother, I made him pay. It was my beauty that drew him into my power, but it was my magic that slowly ripped his body apart, piece by piece. My body had to join with his son's, however, in order to conceive our child, the blood sacrifice needed to achieve immortality. I had cultivated my magical abilities far beyond that fool Merlin's, in preparation for the ultimate revenge, the certainty that one day I would have absolute power, no matter what I had to do to get it. And now I have it all," she murmured, gazing down at the crowd below.

"That is so, dark mistress," agreed Klarion. "But I'm still not sure I fully understand…"

"I don't think you can, child," interrupted Morgaine, gently. "Not until you have been hated, and loathed, and beaten, and abused, although you did nothing to deserve it. The hatred within you becomes so deeply embedded, like a thorn that slowly poisons you from within. Uther did that to me. But he is long gone, and he has no power over me now. This really isn't about him, or Arthur. This is about proving something to myself. This is fulfilling the dream of a small, battered, ugly child, crying into the ashes of a fireplace, and swearing that one day, one day everyone will fear her. And so they will. Because fear is power, child. And power is everything."

"But as you say, the men who wronged you are long dead," said Klarion. "So what good is power now if it is not to be used for vengeance?"

"A man may live on after his death," murmured Morgaine. "Not as I have, but in myth and legend, as Uther and Arthur have. But Morgaine Le Fey will live forever, not in myth and legend, but in reality. Morgaine Le Fey will be a name feared and worshipped throughout the ages. Morgaine Le Fey will destroy the legacy of Camelot, and reveal the truth behind that fabled land, the horrible, dark deeds that gave birth to it, the lies it was built upon. And a foundation built on lies is like a foundation built on quicksand. People will learn how my beauty drove that fool Arthur wild, so that he had to have me, even when he knew I was his half-sister. Like his father, he cared nothing for morals or ethics, only satisfying his own base lust. He was as weak as any other man when confronted with a beautiful woman, for all his great ideals. In practice, he was a fraud, and a liar, a cowardly and small man. People will learn how his incestuous union with me brought about his own downfall in Mordred, a downfall he brought upon himself long before he chose his adulterous wife, and people will spit upon the memory of Arthur. They will learn that heroes have only ever been a fairy tale."

"Oh, I dunno," said a voice from the shadows. "I mean, Batsy's certainly real, and he'll certainly insist upon that hero status no matter what anyone says. But I gotta say, that's a touching good story that's got it all – romance, action, betrayal, incest. A little gritty and edgy for my taste, but audiences do like that kinda thing nowadays. Gotta chase that R-rated green, or so DC thinks."

"I actually thought it was a little cliché, puddin'. A female villain motivated by revenge on the men who wronged her? Talk about your stereotypes."

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" said Poison Ivy angrily, as the entire group emerged from the shadows. "But I gotta admit, it _is_ a little cliché. Punishing the whole human race for the work of a few men is really stupid. You should punish them instead for being a race of selfish, destructive plagues upon the earth. Anyway, it's better than being a female villain motivated by the approval of a man, Harley."

"You know, God forbid I inject some positivity into this whole supervillain thing!" snapped Harley. "We can't all be motivated by dark and dreary backstories of pain and hate! I'm motivated by love instead of hatred of something – you should try it sometime!"

"I love my plants!" snapped Ivy. "So I'm motivated by both love and hate, which is stronger than just love!"

"No, it isn't!" snapped Harley. "Hate negates love! I don't hate anyone, except maybe Batsy, but he deserves it, so it doesn't count!"

"Ladies, please, this really isn't the time or the place for this discussion," said Tetch.

"Uncle Jervis, what are you doing here?" asked Klarion. "And how did you get in?"

"Alice's familiar tore the door off its hinges," said Tetch, nodding at the cat again, which was calmly licking its paws. "You probably didn't hear it amidst all the chaos outside, but we overheard most of that rather tragic tale. I am sincerely sorry for what you have been through, Morgaine Le Fey," he said, turning to her. "I think we can all understand and sympathize with pain driving us to the edge of reason."

"Indeed?" asked Morgaine. "Well, I don't want your sympathy. I have no use for it. What are you doing here?"

"We're here to stop you," said Robin. "You're going down."

"Seriously, kid?" demanded Joker, rounding on him. "All direct and po-faced like that? Not even a punchline? 'We're here to stop you, you're going down' – you talk like a twelve-year-old wrote your dialogue, and that's not a compliment! And you don't even sound like Batman – at least he sounds all gruff and cool when he says cliched things like that, but you just sound like an upstart teen trying to pass for cool, which is exactly what you are!"

"I told you that I'd prefer we try asking nicely first," snapped Tetch. "It can be pleasantly surprising how people will respond to politeness! My dear Morgaine Le Fey, we would be most grateful if you would stop your spell at once," he said, smiling at her. "Before we have to resort to any unpleasantness."

"Is that a threat?" asked Morgaine, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't hold with threats," said Tetch. "It is merely a fact – if you do not cease and desist, you will be forced to."

Morgaine snorted. "You think a band of criminal lunatics in absurd costumes can stop me?" she asked.

"I think we will be obligated to try," said Tetch.

"No, Uncle Jervis," said Klarion, clearly concerned. "You mustn't challenge her…"

"Somebody must," said Tetch, firmly.

Morgaine snorted again. "Didn't you hear what I said about heroes?" she asked, flexing her fingers.

"We did," agreed Tetch. "And we're not heroes. But for now we must be what is needed. And if that is a hero, so be it."

Morgaine sighed heavily. "Very well," she said, raising her hands. "Then you will suffer the ultimate fate of all heroes – meaningless sacrifice and painful death."

"Gee, I'm really shocked that whole asking nicely thing didn't work out," said Joker, sarcastically, reaching for his gun.

"It's always worth trying!" snapped Tetch. "But sadly, it looks like this time we'll have to resort to violence."


	13. Chapter 13

Morgaine clenched her fist together. "Come to me, and let's crush this pathetic little bit of resistance, shall we?" she asked, as she began to pull Tetch toward her. She was stopped when her fist was suddenly seized by a plant vine.

"Hands at your sides, where I can see 'em," muttered Ivy, who had her own hands raised as another vine seized Morgaine's other hand and dragged them down.

"Incredible," murmured Morgaine, gazing at her. "You can do magic?"

"It's actually science," retorted Ivy. "As a plant-human hybrid, I can control plants."

"Because she also has a tragic backstory of being used by men, which is the reason she's a plant-human hybrid today," spoke up Joker. "So you two can bond over that."

"Thanks for reminding me, J," growled Ivy.

"How touching," said Morgaine. "The fact that you understand my pain makes me regret the fact that I have to destroy you. But I do," she sighed. "Etrigan, destroy her."

The demon sprang into action with a roar, leaping toward Ivy. "Hey, nobody mauls my Auntie except me!" shouted J.J., shooting a taser at the demon which knocked him back. "Wait, that's not what I meant to say…" he began.

"Where did you get a taser?" asked Arleen.

"Stole it from Brucie's mansion – figured he keeps it handy to keep the celebrity fangirls back," said J.J. "Although frankly if I were in his shoes, I'd take advantage of that…"

"You will regret that, brat," growled Etrigan, starting towards him.

"Hey, demon, eat religion!" shouted Joker, leaping in front of J.J. with his arms raised like a cross. "The spirit of Christ impales you!" he shouted, stabbing his knife into Etrigan's neck. The demon roared, falling back. "Now was that from the stabbing or from the cross…" began Joker, but he was cut off as Etrigan swiped at him, knocking him into the wall.

"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley, racing toward Etrigan with her hammer raised. "Nobody beats puddin' but me!" she screamed, striking the demon across the face with it. He didn't even flinch. "I think it was the cross, puddin', which kinda makes me uncomfortable, being Jewish and all…" began Harley, before she too was knocked back into the wall.

"Hey, hands off my mom!" shouted Arleen, racing forward. She was halted in her tracks by Morgaine lifting her hand and raising her off the ground.

"Did you play with dolls, child?" she murmured. "If so, what I'm going to do will seem familiar to you. I'm sure you would pick them up, and bend them, and break them," she murmured, twisting her finger as Arleen felt what seemed like giant hands seizing her arms in their grip and trying to bend them back in directions they didn't bend…

She was released suddenly as J.J. shocked Morgaine with his taser. "My sister used to decapitate dolls," he retorted. "With my help. Which I'm happy to demonstrate on you…"

"Not before me, J.J.," interrupted Alice, racing forward with her axe raised.

"Cousin Alice, no!" shouted Klarion, stepping in front of her. "She's trying to help you!"

"By torturing my cousin?" demanded Alice. "By making everyone go crazy?"

"She didn't make them that way!" snapped Klarion. "Those rioters down there are the true face of humanity, free of all repression! She is giving you what your laws and society never could – complete freedom!"

"Well, I'm not so sure I want complete freedom," retorted Alice. "Particularly if it involves bad manners."

"Alice, please, don't make me choose between you and Uncle Jervis and her," begged Klarion. "I cannot make that choice."

"Then don't," snapped Alice, starting forward again. "Just stay out of it."

Teekl hissed from Klarion's shoulder, and Dinah hissed back as Alice rushed Morgaine, who held up a hand to freeze her in her tracks. "Ungrateful children!" she hissed. "But then I hardly expected gratitude from humanity!"

Dinah leapt forward, transforming into the cat monster and slicing her claws at Morgaine, which made her release Alice. Dinah was about to slice at her again when a transformed Teekl suddenly leapt between her and Morgaine, and began batting Dinah back.

"All right, cat fight!" exclaimed Joker, who had struggled to his feet. "If only Batsy were here to see this – he'd love it!"

"I for one don't wanna see Batsy unrepressed, puddin'," said Harley, as he helped her up.

"Yeah, you're right – he'd probably kiss me or something," agreed Joker.

"Yeah, he would definitely be the one kissing you if he was unrepressed, and not vice versa," muttered Ivy, rolling her eyes. "You two, rush the witch while I handle her from a distance."

"What should I do?" asked Tetch.

"Stay back," said Joker, shoving his gun at him. "And shoot at her."

"You know I don't use guns," retorted Tetch, wrinkling up his nose.

"For God's sake, your parents were expert hunters with an antique firearm collection!" snapped Joker. "I'm sure they taught you how to shoot a gun, so you can just goddamn well remember! Point the open end at the thing you want to die, and pull the trigger! C'mon, Harl," he said, as she raised her hammer and Joker flicked out a switchblade. "It's time to kill ourselves a witch!"

"Go!" shouted Ivy, as she shot her hand forward, causing several tendrils of vines to wrap themselves around Morgaine. Joker and Harley started forward, but Etrigan leapt in front of Morgaine protectively again.

"Get back, demon!" shrieked Alice, holding up her axe and putting an arm across it to form a cross. Etrigan shrank back from the symbol, but was met on his other side by Arleen, who held out two crossed knives.

"Uncle Jervis, how do we kill a demon?" asked J.J. "Will electricity do it?" he asked, lighting up his taser.

"No, you can't kill him!" exclaimed Robin. He had been watching the fight, wondering when he should join in, but everyone seemed to have each other's backs without him. He felt completely superfluous, which he often felt when working with Batman too, but it was never a feeling you got entirely used to.

"Why the hell not?" demanded J.J., rounding on him.

"He's…a friend of Batman's," said Robin. "He's just been transformed…there are words to transform him back, like a spell…"

"What are they?" demanded Arleen.

"I…I don't know," stammered Robin. "I only know they exist…"

"Geez, you are no use at all, are you, kid?" demanded Joker.

"Just a sec – I'll find out," began Robin, pulling out his phone to text his father.

"Oh my God, now is not the time for texting!" shouted Joker.

"Kids these days – they're glued to their phones no matter what else is going on," agreed Harley.

"You couldn't have found out this little spell before we got here?" demanded Joker. "You had like one job, kid! You know, back in my day, if I didn't know something, I couldn't just Google or text for help! I had to rely on my own ingenuity, not like you soft kids today!"

"Ok, boomer," muttered Robin.

"What did you call me?" demanded Joker.

Robin didn't have time to respond, for Morgaine had managed to cast a spell dissolving the vines which bound her, and she now raised her hands again, sending Alice and Arleen flying and colliding with walls on different sides of the room. Another swipe of her hand cleared out J.J., Joker, and Harley.

"I'll hold the demon," said Ivy, reaching out to summon her vines again, which wrapped themselves around Etrigan. "You shoot the witch."

"I don't think it'll do any good, even if I manage it…" began Tetch, but he was cut off as Dinah was sent flying into him with a powerful swipe from Teekl.

"You are all starting to annoy me," muttered Morgaine, striding forward with her arms raised. She lifted her hands, but Ivy shot her vines out, arresting her arms.

"You may have magic of a kind, but you are no match for me!" hissed Morgaine, as she struggled against the plants. "I can see the destruction of your plants is hurting you!"

"And I can see the use of your magic is tiring you out," growled Ivy.

"I am stronger than you," murmured Morgaine. "I am stronger than anyone. Your feelings for these pathetic plants and these pathetic humans makes you weak – caring for anything is so much effort. And humans are not strong enough to cope with the pain of loss," she said, ripping apart the vines which bound her and making Ivy hiss in pain.

Morgaine raised her hands again, but was met with another rope of vines. "I am not a human," growled Ivy.

She was concentrating on restraining Morgaine and didn't see Etrigan coming up behind her. The demon leapt toward her, but Robin suddenly exclaimed, "_Gone now, O Etrigan, and rise once more the form of man!_"

The demon roared as his body twisted and changed shape, and Jason Blood reappeared in his place.

"Who the hell is this?" demanded Joker, but he was distracted by Teekl leaping at him.

A hammer suddenly collided with the familiar's face as Harley shrieked, "Puddin' ain't beating any pussy but mine!"

"Jason!" gasped Robin, hurrying over to him.

"Master Wayne?" murmured Jason, staggering slowly to his feet. "What happened…"

"It's Robin," said Robin, pointedly. "And you've just been released from Etrigan's control. And we're in the middle of a fight with a witch."

"Enough of this nonsense!" exclaimed Morgaine, ripping Ivy's vines off her again and raising her hands. "You, come here!" she shouted, raising a hand and dragging Alice forward. "If any of you comes near me, I'll break her spine!" she shouted.

"Let her go now!" shouted J.J., but Teekl pounced forward, ripping the taser from his hands. She then pounced on Dinah, who had rushed forward to defend Alice, and pinned her to the ground.

Morgaine glared at them. "You poor, pathetic mortal fools!" she hissed. "Daring to challenge me, who has lived for centuries, and learned another trick every year of my life! You think your pathetic human games are any match for me?!"

She lurched forward suddenly with a gasp as Arleen, who had snuck up behind her, stabbed a knife into her back. "Daddy taught us new tricks every day of our lives," she replied. "This one's called stabbing your enemy in the back while they're monologing, and it's come in handy more than once."

"That won't work," whispered Jason. "A little blade is not going to kill her."

"No," agreed Robin. "I think it just made her angry."

With a shriek and a wave of her hand, Morgaine removed the blade and sent it and Arleen flying into the opposite wall, the knife burying itself a centimeter from her face. "You don't think I mean what I say?!" Morgaine shouted. "Fine then – I'll show you!"

She tightened her fist, and Alice screamed as she felt her spine begin to tighten and curve. But she was released suddenly as six bullets hit Morgaine full in the chest. Everyone turned to stare at Tetch, who was holding the smoking gun.

"I don't approve of guns," he murmured. "But when you hurt my daughter, I have no compunction in using them."

"It won't work!" shouted Jason, as Morgaine glared at the bullet holes and then clenched her fist, sending them back out of her body and scattering them around. Everyone dodged out of the way.

"Then dammit, what will work, Mr. Former Demon?" demanded Joker.

"Only magic can defeat magic," murmured Jason. "You can't wield it, but I can."

"Really, my love?" laughed Morgaine. "You're going to pit your skills against mine? I am stronger than you."

"Yes," agreed Jason. "But you're not stronger than us."

He turned to Klarion, who had watched the battle from the sidelines, clearly torn. "Klarion, please," he said. "You have to help me defeat her."

"And why would I do that?" asked Klarion, looking up at him with his usual mocking tone, but there was a slight pleading note to it, as if he was genuinely asking him to give him a reason. "I summoned her, because I believe in her ideal…"

"And her ideal will destroy your friends and family," replied Jason. "Do you really want that to happen? Is any ideal really worth sacrificing everything you care about for?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Morgaine. "And don't be weak, Klarion! What you feel for these people is weakness, weakness which must be stamped out if you are ever to reach your true potential! Their mortal lives are meaningless and insignificant, while yours could be great, and you could achieve greatness, all in exchange for a few pathetic human lives which will be over in a few more years anyway. It is the destiny of all humanity to die, while it is the destiny of the powerful to go beyond that, to live and rule forever! Isn't that what you want?"

"Kids don't want power," said Joker. "I mean, sure, they can be bossy and destructive and chaotic, but that's not because of some weird authoritarian instinct that they're born with. That's because all they want is to have a little fun, but grown-ups are always disciplining them instead. Isn't that right, kid?"

Klarion said nothing. "This isn't a game, child!" snapped Morgaine. "This is the most serious and important decision you will ever make!"

"It_ is_ a game, kid," retorted Joker. "That's what makes it important. You get that, right? You get the joke? And there's no joke in destroying everything that's important to you because of some vague utopian ideal. I mean, that's probably what Batsy would like to do, but he doesn't enjoy games anyway. But you do, doncha, kid?" he asked.

Klarion nodded. "I do," he murmured. "There are winners and losers in games, but it's all just for fun. It's unreal, which is what makes it fun. This is too real, and no fun. So I guess it's time to decide whether I win or lose the game."

He took Jason's hand. "Teekl, to me," he commanded, and the familiar bounded back over to his side, turning back into a cat and leaping onto his shoulder. "Ready, Uncle?" Klarion asked, looking at Jason.

"Ready," replied Jason, turning his attention back to Morgaine.

"I have always known I could never really trust anyone but myself," murmured Morgaine. "First Jason betrays me, and now you, but it is to be expected, really. And you two cannot defeat me, whatever you think."

"Let's see, shall we?" murmured Jason, as he and Klarion raised their hands. Beams of light shot from their fingers, as Morgaine held up her hands to shield herself from them, pushing back with her own force. Jason gritted his teeth, and Klarion fell backward slightly, but kept his hand up.

"They need help," said Tetch, racing forward and seizing Klarion's hand. Alice grabbed his, and J.J. grabbed hers, followed by Joker, Harley, Ivy, Arleen, and Robin. The light beaming out from Jason's hand grew stronger and stronger, and Morgaine began to weaken, but that knowledge seemed to fire the last bit of her strength and resistance.

"No!" she shrieked. "No, you cannot defeat me! I am stronger than all of you put together!"

"No, you're not," retorted Jason. "Not one single person is. We are stronger together, united…"

"I'm not," spoke up Ivy. "I could still take her on my own."

"Let it go, Red!" snapped Harley.

"Everything you believe is wrong, Morgaine Le Fey," said Jason, calmly. "Humanity may indulge their worst instincts for a while, but they will ultimately come together to help each other. Even these worst examples of humanity have come together against your great evil."

"Hey, why don't you just insult everyone helping you, you jerk?" demanded Joker. "Geez, you can tell he's a friend of Batsy's – same lack of manners!"

"Jason, you can't let this happen to me," begged Morgaine, suddenly appearing distressed. "Please, help me. If you ever felt anything for me and what we shared together…"

"Don't fall for it, Uncle," interrupted Klarion. "She has no heart. That's what makes her a monster. But sadly I do, which means I will never be a great and powerful witch," he sighed. "But some ambitions have prices which are too high to pay, wouldn't you agree?"

"I would, Klarion," murmured Jason. "I would."

"You fools – I am too strong to be permanently destroyed!" shrieked Morgaine, as she was forced back toward the book which had imprisoned her. "I will return! I swear it, I will return!"

With a shriek, she was swallowed up by the book again, which slammed shut.

"Well, this just confirms what I've always thought," said Joker, breaking the silence. "Nerds shouldn't read books – you never know what will come out of 'em."

"What's that?" asked Jason, holding up a hand suddenly at the sound of slight rumbling.

"It's the mob," said J.J., who had gone out to the balcony. "They've stopped rioting, and now they're just looking around in confusion."

"But what's the rumbling?" demanded Ivy.

"It looks like they managed to destabilize the building before they stopped," commented J.J. "It looks like it's collapsing on its foundations…"

"Everybody out!" shouted Tetch, shoving Alice out the door. They all raced down the stairs and out of the building, into the middle of the very confused crowd.

"Oh my God, it's the Joker, run!" shouted someone, and the mob began fleeing the scene.

"As they should," said Joker, smugly. "Yep, looks like all's right with the world once again, thanks to yours truly."

"I think we all helped," retorted Ivy.

"Of course the turning point came with Klarion electing to help us," said Tetch, turning to him. "I can't thank you enough for making the right decision."

"Well, your and Alice's friendship is very important to me, Uncle Jervis," said Klarion. "I would not have enjoyed seeing you torn apart."

"Yep, that's love," sighed Joker, kissing Harley's cheek.

The building began to collapse in on itself, starting with the roof. Robin looked around to make sure everyone had got out safely…and his heart lurched when he couldn't see Arleen.

"Where's Leenie?" he demanded.

"Ok, first of all, she's Arleen to you," retorted J.J. "And I haven't seen her."

"You mean she's still inside that collapsing building?" demanded Robin, instantly panicking. "Oh my God, I gotta go after her…" he began, racing forward.

"Kiddo, please," said Joker, catching his cape to hold him back. "Don't worry about her. She can take care of herself, not like you and any of Batsy's other kids who go running straight into dangerous situations unprepared."

Robin saw how calmly Arleen's brother, mother, and father were at the thought that their relation might be buried alive in rubble, and was about to condemn them as both evil and insane, when Arleen suddenly appeared from behind them, a wad of cash and valuables in her hands.

"It's hard to pickpocket people fleeing in terror, but I think I got a good enough haul," she commented, as the building completely gave way.

"Yeah, you did great, sweetie," said Harley, kissing her.

"Don't look so shocked, kid – do you think we honestly wouldn't have cared if Arleen was stuck inside a collapsing building?" demanded Joker, as Robin just stared at them, open-mouthed. "She's not that stupid. And even if she was, she can take care of herself. This kid was gonna run into that falling building and get himself killed trying to save you, can you believe the stupidity?" he chuckled, gesturing at Robin. "Just like Batsy – assumes no one can take care of themselves and that he's gotta go around saving everyone like a bat in shining armor. Batsy's brainwashed him good, I guess."

"I told you I could take of myself," snapped Arleen.

"I know, I just…" began Robin. "I just…I'm sorry. I can't help worrying because…"

He was about to blurt out that he cared about her, but bit his tongue. "Because that's what Batman does," he finished, lamely.

"Uh huh," said Arleen. "If he worried a little more, he might not take untrained children out on dangerous patrols with him, but no one could ever argue that he makes any sense."

"All right, let's head home and clean up the hideout – hope they didn't do too much damage," said Joker, turning to go.

"Klarion, you must stay with us until you can find a new place to live," said Tetch, putting an arm around him. "It's really the least we can do."

"I'll…uh…go make sure Alfred and Bruce Wayne are ok," said Robin. "Maybe take Jason with me – I'm sure he could use a cup of tea being English and all, and that's Alfred's specialty."

"Could you check on Damian for me?" asked Arleen. "And ask him to text me if he's ok?"

"I…I will," said Robin, nodding slowly.

"Great, thanks," she said. "And thanks for attempting to run in to a collapsing building for me. I mean, it was stupid, but it was a thoughtful gesture, and it's the thought that counts."

The Rogues and their families all headed off, leaving Robin and Jason alone. "You feeling ok?" asked Robin, turning to him.

"I am, Master Wayne," said Jason. "Better than I have felt in ages."

He raised his hand, and the book was pulled from the rubble into his hands. "We should return this to your father's vaults," he said. "Although I can't see anyone trying to release her again anytime soon. I suppose she is right in that true evil can never be destroyed, but I am pleased it has such brave heroes as you and your father to fight against it."

Robin nodded, removing his mask. "We didn't do much, in the end," he muttered. "Nothing really heroic."

"You saved me," said Jason. "I found that heroic."

Robin said nothing. "My father wasn't here for this, so he won't ever understand it," he said. "But his worldview, that there are good guys and bad guys, and that criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot…it just doesn't hold up to scrutiny. Everyone who fought Morgaine went in there knowing they would probably die for it, and they weren't cowardly or afraid. They were brave. They were heroic, not me, and not my father. If my father had been here for this, he couldn't go back to beating and imprisoning them night after night, not after they saved this city and everyone in it. Not after they acted like heroes. It's only villains who hurt heroes, that's what my father thinks. Well, if he hurts them after this, that makes him the villain. And I don't want to end up like my father, or Morgaine, sacrificing everyone I care about for some crazy ideal. "

"You just said things are a little more complicated than heroes and villains," said Jason. "I have seen many things throughout the centuries, Master Wayne. Good people can do bad things, and vice versa. Just look at me. The world is not black and white, as you say. But your father always tries to do the right thing as he sees it. And you must do the right thing as you see it. Which I think at this moment means returning home to your father to see how he's recovering, telling him that you love him, and getting me a cup of tea."

Robin nodded slowly. He took out his phone and texted Arleen. _All safe and sound here at home, but the mob's gone away, and Robin says I have you to thank for that. You must have been really brave._

She texted back: _It was nothing - just like a regular outing with the fam, but with more demons than usual, I gotta admit. Glad you're ok. I was worried._

Robin replied: _I was worried too. You can't help worrying about the people you care about._

She texted back: _Guess that makes two of us_, followed by a wink emoji.

"Are you any good at interpreting what emojis mean in a text?" asked Robin of Jason.

"I don't know what most of those words you just said mean," retorted Jason.

"I just wanna know if she likes me," sighed Robin.

"Well, as you've just seen, my track record with women isn't the greatest," said Jason, putting the book under his arm as they walked off. "So maybe ask someone else."


	14. Chapter 14

"I'm glad the familiars are playing nicely again," commented Tetch, as Dinah and Teekl chased each other around the room where Alice and Arleen sat, doing their homework. "It would be terribly awkward if they weren't friends anymore just because they tried to kill each other last night."

"Well, this is Gotham – you can try to kill each other one day and still be best buds the next," said Joker, helping himself to a cookie. "Look at me and Batsy."

"It does seem kinda weird to just go back to doing homework after we saved the whole city," commented Arleen. "It's a little too heroic for my liking, and it doesn't feel good."

"Well, we won't make a habit of it, princess," said Joker, patting her head.

"Yes, I promise you, I won't be summoning any other witches or anything that powerful for you to go up against," said Klarion, as Teekl leapt back into his arms and began purring. "I think from now on, I'll stick to fun chaos like petty vandalism, not the kind of chaos that could destroy life as we know it."

"Yeah, it's a little dark for a supervillain," agreed Joker. "It's like wiping out half the population with a snap of your fingers and stuff. How can the audience root for somebody like that? But somebody like me, who just pulls pranks on an unsuspecting public in order to bring a smile to their miserable little faces, I mean, how could you not love me?"

"I'm sure people manage it," said Tetch, dryly.

There was a knock on his door, and he went to open it. "Jonathan, you're back!" he exclaimed, beaming at his friend, Jonathan Crane, who entered the room. "How was your time away?"

"It was lovely, thank you," replied Crane. "The whole family had a wonderful time, and Annabel learned about a thousand new facts about the Puritans that she's eager to share with anyone who will listen. I just stopped by to bring you your souvenir from Salem – it's a witch's broom. It's a little kitsch, but I thought you'd appreciate it, since you're always reciting that passage from 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' about seven maids with seven mops sweeping the sand off the beach."

"How very thoughtful," said Tetch, taking it from him. "Although I don't believe real witches ride brooms, do they, Klarion?"

"Not where I come from," retorted Klarion. "And frankly, it's a little insulting to my culture to suggest that we do."

"Now Klarion, there's no need for ill manners when someone has brought a gift," said Tetch. "You must forgive him, Jonathan – do come in and have a cup of tea and a biscuit."

"How was everything here?" asked Crane. "I imagine Halloween was very dull and uneventful without the Scarecrow around to frighten everyone."

"Actually, it was like one of your fear gas attacks, only better," said Joker. "See, there was this witch who cast a spell which freed everyone from repression, so they were all killing each other, and then they tried to kill us because I guess unrepressed, their desire to see us dead overrode their fear of us, but fortunately we managed to beat the witch with the help of the witch kid here, and so the spell was broken, and now everything is back to normal, with only the select few causing terror and chaos. But you really should have been here, Johnny – you coulda seen what your repeated fear gas schemes would be like if they were ever successful, which of course they never are."

"A witch?" repeated Crane, staring at him. "Are you serious?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" asked Joker. "She was the real deal. Frankly, you couldn't find a more appropriate figure for Halloween – it was definitely a Halloween to remember, and a Halloween the people of Gotham won't forget for a very long time, a year true terror ruled the streets."

"But surely Batman would have foiled her," said Crane. "The way he always foils me…"

"Nope, he was away with his Justice League pals somewhere," interrupted Joker. "Say, you really should have been here, shouldn't you? Without Batsy around, it would have been child's play to finally put your fear gas the city scheme into action – I know nobody here would have stopped you. But I'm sure you had a great time visiting your boring historical sites and learning about dead religious people instead – that's always fun," he added, clapping him on the back and chuckling madly at the furious look on Crane's face.

"My goodness, look at the time!" exclaimed Tetch, glancing at his watch. "I have to get over to Wayne Manor in time for tea – I'm bringing Alfred a new teapot since I broke his over that rioter's skull."

"No worries – we'll clear out," said Joker. "You're almost done with your homework, aren't you, sweets?"

"Yeah," agreed Arleen, gathering up her books. "Would it…be ok if I went with you to Wayne Manor, Uncle Jervis?" she asked. "Just to see how Damian's doing…"

"Yes, certainly, my dear," said Tetch. "Joker, I'm sure you're welcome to join us, or you're welcome to stay here with Alice and Klarion and the familiars."

"Nope, I've really had enough of witchcraft to last me a lifetime," said Joker. "No offense, kid," he said, nodding at Klarion. "I'll head back home and rescue the remaining Halloween candy from Harley. Don't want the kid getting fat."

"Charming, as ever," sighed Crane, rolling his eyes. "I'll bring the family round later to tell you all about the trip, Jervis."

"I look forward to it," said Tetch, showing him and Joker out. "Klarion, you and Alice behave – no magic, please," he said, reaching for his hat as Arleen followed him out.

"Of course not, Uncle Jervis," said Klarion. He waited for the door to shut, and then turned to Alice. "Now, you were saying something about a drink that makes you shrink as small as a mouse? I'll see what I can do, but we'll have to lock up the familiars, just in case..."

…

"Alfred, could you get that please?" asked Bruce Wayne, as the doorbell rang. He was still confined to his wheelchair, and sat sullenly in front of the TV in the living room while Damian sat on the sofa next to him, also sullen. He had returned last night, and before he could say a word, his father had launched into a tirade about how dangerous and reckless it had been to let those kinds of people into his house, and risk discovering his secret. He hadn't wanted to hear about how Morgaine was defeated or anything Damian had done to help – he didn't let Damian get a word in at all. Alfred and Jason had retreated to the kitchen and stayed out of the incredibly awkward showdown between father and son, and things had continued to be uncomfortable from that moment to this.

Alfred opened the door, and beamed when he saw Tetch standing there. "My lord, this is an honor…" he began.

"None of that, please, Alfred," said Tetch. "I brought you a teapot, to replace the one I broke."

"How generous, my lord, but it was not necessary," said Alfred. "You broke it in defending me…"

"But one shouldn't be without a proper teapot for too long, wouldn't you agree?" interrupted Tetch.

"I would agree, my lord," said Alfred. "And coincidentally, it's almost time for tea. Won't you come in and we'll put this to its proper use?"

"That sounds lovely," said Tetch, as he and Alfred headed toward the kitchen. "I brought along Miss Joker - I hope you don't mind, but she wanted to see Master Damian."

"Leenie?" said Damian, leaping to his feet hopefully as Arleen entered the living room. "What are you doing here?"

"Like he said, I wanted to see how you were doing," she said, smiling at him. "And your dad…I hope he's feeling better…"

"Yes, I feel fine, Miss Joker," snapped Bruce. "Thank you for your concern towards myself and my son, but we're both fine. You may leave now," he said, glaring at her.

"Um…ok," said Arleen, slowly. "I'll…just go then."

"No, Dad, she doesn't have to go," said Damian. "I mean…I'd like her to stay."

"And I'd like her to leave," snapped Bruce. "She's the daughter of the man who has tried to kill me more times than I can count…"

"So was my mother!" snapped Damian. "And you didn't seem to object too much to her, at least, not until after I was born and became a burden on you!"

"You two clearly have some things to talk about, so I'll just go…" began Arleen.

"No, we don't have anything to talk about!" snapped Damian. "My father doesn't talk, and he doesn't listen – he just lectures and criticizes and expresses his disappointment of other people when they have emotions or feel even the slightest bit human. But then what can you expect from a playboy billionaire who wears a mask of idle luxury and frivolous happiness to hide how miserable he really is?"

"This is awkward – I should go," repeated Arleen, as Bruce just glared at Damian. "Daddy always says when things get awkward in a comedy routine, the best thing to do is either kill the audience, or beat a hasty retreat before they can start throwing things at you. And I certainly wouldn't kill either of you, but the atmosphere in here is starting to grow a little uncomfortable..."

"Leenie, please, you can stay…" began Damian.

"I said no, she can't!" snapped Bruce. "Just respect me for once, Damian!"

"The way you respect me, you mean?" demanded Damian. "By not listening to me, by not caring about my life or what I want to do with it unless it fits in with yours? Why should I respect you when you don't show even the most basic amount of respect to me or my friends?"

"Because I'm your father!" shouted Bruce. "And you don't know how lucky you are to have one!"

"Well, sometimes I wish I didn't!" shouted Damian.

Bruce stared at him, furious and hurt, and Damian glared back, equally furious.

"I'll…see you at school, Damian," said Arleen slowly, breaking the uncomfortable silence as she headed for the door. "Bye. Boy, what a dysfunctional relationship," she muttered under her breath after she shut the door. "I'm glad my family ain't nothing like that."

"I hope you're happy," muttered Damian, as the door shut. "Oh wait, you never are, are you?"

He stormed past him, and Bruce caught his arm. "Damian, look, I…"

He drew a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he said. "I am…I…I'm irritable because I'm laid up like this, and I was completely powerless to stop that chaos last night. I hate being powerless, but I shouldn't take my frustration out on you. I'm just…scared."

"Yeah, you're scared that your precious secret will be discovered, that your enemies will find out you're Batman, and that you'll have to stop pretending to be a hero," muttered Damian.

"I'm scared for you," retorted Bruce. "I don't want anything to happen to you. When I'm out there in Gotham, I can control what happens to me, and how I respond to danger…but I can't protect you, not in a fight, and not in life. And that's terrifying. I lost the only other people I ever loved because I couldn't protect them from a mugger gunning them down in an alley…I can't go through that again with you. And I don't want you getting involved with that Joker girl only for you to get hurt."

"It's my life, Dad," retorted Damian. "You can't control it, and neither can I, really. Leenie's dad right about that – the world is a random and chaotic place. But we can't avoid engaging with it. And yeah, I might get hurt, just like you've gotten hurt so many times. But you keep putting on that mask, night after night, and get yourself hurt again. I've always…admired that about you. And the only way I can learn that kind of resilience is to get hurt myself, and to know…that you're always there to help me get back up."

Bruce said nothing. "Yes, I will be, Damian," he murmured. "I will be."

"But I don't think Leenie's gonna hurt me," continued Damian. "You don't know her, but she's…just great. Not like her dad at all – he was a real pain in the ass last night."

"Language, Damian!" snapped Bruce. He sighed. "But tell me about it."

Damian rolled his eyes. "No, seriously, tell me about it," said Bruce. "I wanna hear…what you all did last night to stop that witch."

"You didn't wanna hear last night," muttered Damian.

"I was wrong," said Bruce. "And I wanna hear now. I know it'll make me real proud of you, Damian, not that I'm not already."

Damian shrugged. "I didn't do much," he muttered. "Not compared to everyone else. Not compared to what you would have done."

"I went up against her and got all my bones broken," retorted Bruce. "That's what happened to Batman. But his son found a better way. So tell me about it."

Damian looked at him, and slowly sat down next to him. "Ok, Dad," he murmured. "Well, according to her, it all started in Camelot, centuries ago…"

**The End**


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